Pre-pre-show: Someone just described Kate Winslet’s hair thus: “It may look very retro, but it’s actually futuristic.” Ryan Seacrest interviews Kate WInslet, who looks like she wants to bite off his face, or somebody’s. “I’m extremely nervous,” Winslet explains. Seacrest shows Winslet’s upcoming Time magazine cover, in which her face has been blasted into a white mask by either retro airbrushing or futuristic Photoshop.
Winslet speaks to someone else, entertains their suggestion that she concentrate on “not tripping.” She repeats this after them in John Cleese “Fawlty Towers” mode. They’re going to have to refinish the arms of her seat at the Kodak after tonight. Taraji P. Henson acts excited and happy, for balance.
One of the Slumdog Millionaire kids is excited to see Miley Cyrus and her inappropriate cleavage. Viola Davis is made out of gold and chocolate! She looks like Godiva candy! They’re interviewing Miley Cyrus now, making sure to keep the camera high.
8:20: Haw, they’re having fun with the accountants and the Wide Chartered Accountancy. The Monty Python theme is officially on.
Jesus, they have a timeline of Penelope Cruz’ gowns. Let’s see if they’ll have them for implants.
Ha, Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen are at the bar. Now that’s positioning. Maybe they’ll stay there all night
The designers say they’ve made the stage into a “beautiful, wonderful 30’s nightclub,” because this is after all the New Depression. But we imagine if Les Brown saw the Swarovski curtain, he’d cancel the booking and play a classier-looking joint.