News & Politics

Studies in Crap Sticks Up For the Care Bears, Who Are Totally Not Satanic


Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power

Like Lambs to the Slaughter: Your Child and the Occult
Author: Johanna Michaelsen
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Date: 1989
Discovered at: Good Will

The Cover Promises: If your mom buys this, you’ll never have fun again.

Representative Quotes:

“The fourth way to acquire psychic power is a way which a growing number of teenagers are opting for today: selling their souls to the devil.” (page 85)

“To She-Ra, the hope for the world is the ‘Light’ which rises forth from their occultic circle. Most New Agers would readily recognize that ‘Light’ as ‘Lucifer’ the lightbearer.” (page 222).

In the late 1980s, middle Americans uninterested in real problems found the courage to band together to take on a danger so overwhelming it didn’t even exist: a satanic conspiracy that used rock music, role-playing games, and He-Man’s twin sister to season our children for the devil’s conquest.

No less an authority than Geraldo Rivera dared to stand up to the make-believe danger, as you can see in this clip from his 1988 special “Devil Worship: Exposing Satan’s Underground.”

Johanna Michaelsen, meanwhile, dared to pretend that the road to Satan starts in Star Wars, Smurfs and The Care Bears Movie. She writes,

While this little second-grader enjoyed the movie, there was something about it that bothered her. She commented that the Care Bears seemed like God. They were up in heaven and knew everything, like God did. And when the Bears concentrated their energy into the ‘Care Bear Stare’ to change something, it was ‘like a counterfeit miracle . . . kind of like the magicians in Pharaoh’s court.’ Very discerning for a second grader!

So, Michaelsen claims that a second grader used the phrase “counterfeit miracle” in a detailed critique of Care-a-Lot theology. With an imagination like that, she could be a world-class Dungeon Master!

Michaelsen argues that exposure to these “occultic” elements will lead our children straight into New Age mysticism and then, presuambly, to baby-eating:

• “A lot of children won’t have a hard time at all accepting the occult belief in the power of crystals, because for years they watched the little dream fairies on ‘My Little Pony ‘N Friends’ use crystals to gain power over the evil Night Mare.”

• “They will be familiar with the concepts of ESP, because when He-Man suddenly realized he could hear a creature’s thoughts, he understood that the creature was talking with his mind.”

• “Little girls won’t have any problem at all accepting the concept of the Mother Goddess or that they themselves can become goddesses, because of the years they lived the fantasy of Wonder Woman and of She-Ra, Princess of Power.”

Which is the more dangerous fantasy? A young girl believing in the magic of She-Ra, or a grown woman assailing evils that only she can see?

Even good Christian C.S. Lewis is a danger! His Narnia books “reflect a Christian world view, but they include enough references . . . to ‘good’ Witches, wizards. And magicians to confuse the average child.”

Mr. Tumnus, you see, is a faun. As Michaelsen points out, “A faun, of course, is the Roman version of the Greek god Pan, who is identified as an alter ego of Satan himself in the Satanic Bible.”

Also, she uses the Weekly World News as a news source.

Shocking Detail: Imagination be damned, she’d be a horrible Dungeon master:
“[Gary] Gygax insists that his work is just a game… a work of pure fantasy… not real — and yet, on page 115 of the Official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Guide, 1979 edition, under ‘Spell Research,’ Gygax advises that “it is absolutely mandatory for the researcher to be of sound mind and body and to have privacy and seclusion free from interruption during the course of his or her spell study… It requires about 8 hours per day of work.” [All ellipses are Michelsen’s.]

Michelesen pretends that casting a spell in a fantasy game requires players study in real life for a third of a day. No wonder D&D was catching on! Kids love nothing more than endless hours of silent contemplation!

Highlight: Just as Prince Adam and Princess Adora found fabulous secret powers revealed to them the day they held aloft their magic swords, Michaelsen, too, was once a regular person suddenly given power to defend her world from the forces of darkness.

Her revelation came not at Castle Grayskull but in the green room of the Trinity Broadcasting Network on New Years Eve of 1983.

She had been invited on by apocalypse profiteer Hal Lindsey to discuss that year’s developments in the occult. Unfortunately, that year — like all years since the Enlightenment — there hadn’t been any occult developments. Michalesen panicked:

I had the feeling that there was something tremendously important that I was supposed to say about the occult. I just had no idea what. ‘Please, Lord,’ I fervently prayed, ‘what is it You want me to talk about?” A few moments of silence . . . and then I heard it – a still, small voice that said, ‘Look what they’re doing to my children.’ And then again, ‘Look what they’re doing to my children!

Michaelsen began her crusade by going on the air and describing how Gargamel once drew a “magic circle” in the dirt to cast an anti-Smurf spell.

Meanwhile, somewhere beyond this mortal realm, Satan shuddered, knowing a hero had risen to challenge him:

Johanna Michelsen
First level human cleric.
HP 5, AC 9, THAC0 20
STR 8, INT 10, DEX 8, CON 8, WIS 7, CHA 11.
Alignment: lawful batshit.


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