Sucking Pig Face


Parent or no, you’re probably as tired as I am of all the chi-chi baby stores that have popped up around town during the last decade, flaunting cutesy $50 t-shirts and strollers with thousand-dollar price tags that force the hapless offspring to look their parents right in the eye during the entire trip, rather than scanning the horizon for a chance to escape.

But who can argue that these gold-plated baby accessories are actually psychologically harmful? Aside from making the child of entitlement want more entitlement, right from the get-go? Then, as I was ambling down Bleecker Street this morning, I saw in a shop window a baby accessory so pernicious (and so food-related) that I thought I must share it with you: bottle cozies made to look like semi-realistic animals. Now, in addition to the choice between a lifeless, scientific-looking bottle and the human breast, the baby can be given a further choice of sucking nourishment from the face of a pig or whatever you think that other animal is. It’s like the she-panther nursing Mowgli in Jungle Book. That’s worth six years on the analyst’s couch, minimum.


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