New York

The Most Irritating Expression on Earth


No, it’s not “What sign are you?” That’s so brain-dead it almost qualifies as endearingly nostalgic. But I hate it when you’re about to go on a trip and someone has the audacity to say, “Have a safe flight!” What a ridiculous sentiment! What it basically boils down to is, “I hope you don’t crash!” It’s such a bizarre expression of concern that it makes me want to scream and cancel the whole journey in terror.

First of all, how can I control whether the plane gets into trouble or not? Am I supposed to run into the cockpit if there’s a problem and magically clear it up with my jazz hands? How am I supposed to answer, “Have a safe flight”? “Gee, I’ll try”?

And considering that the odds of dying in a plane are lower than those of slipping on a banana peel and becoming paralyzed except for your blinking anus, shouldn’t these well-wishing worrywarts preface every single adventure with such a comment? When you go to a movie, shouldn’t they wring their hands and say, “Have a safe time. I hope there isn’t a shootout”?

When you go into the bathroom, shouldn’t they coo, “I pray you don’t slip and crack your head open. Have a safe shower!”

Or maybe they should just shut the fuck up!

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