Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Those Who Trespass audiobook
Author: Bill O’Reilly
Publisher: Random House Audio
Date: 2001, though the book was published in 1998
Discovered at: Goodwill
The Cover Promises: A bold, fresh piece.
Last week, when your Crap Archivist got all aghast about the inexcusable creepiness that is The O’Reilly Factor For Kids, I failed to point out something important: horrifying as it is, The O’Reilly Factor For Kids is far from Bill O’Reilly’s worst – or creepiest — book.
That honor goes to Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O’Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O’Reilly character’s career. It’s personal on the political level, too — his victims includes a powerful “bitch” named Hillary and a fat “slob” named Martin Moore.
Before the clips, a bit of context.
The murderer, Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O’Reilly-esque cop, Tommy O’Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author’s tough-talk, lust for power, and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.
The most amazing bits of Those Who Trespass have been chewed over before. Your Crap Archivist has little to add, other than four observations:
The audio book contains many fewer fucks than the print version.
Those rival good-and-evil O’Reillys? Even Prince’s “Batdance” brings more clarity to the subject of duality.
Everybody here – from the killer to the cop to the IRA – believes that the broadcast professionals Michaels kills were “despicable” human beings who probably had it coming.
All this sex and violence from a man who decries hip hop’s sex and violence? It’s the pot calling the kettle Irish and pasty.
Here’s choice samples of O’Reilly’s prose, read by he who trespasses against the English language himself.
Bill O’Reilly Seduces You
This first one comes from an exchange between “Robo,” a crack dealer, and his underage girlfriends.
“Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up.”
“I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on.”
“Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds.”
“Off with those pants.”
Bill O’Reilly Tells You How to Do It
Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue.
Visit your dentist regularly.
Pipe slow-jam music into your shower!
Other Those Who Trespass highlights include:
“I wish I were a lesbian.”
And the thinking that would one day inspire the creation of The O’Reilly Factor:
Many more pleasures await those intrepid enough to trespass deeper. The audio book is available on Audible, and used copies start around $12 on Amazon, where the paperback also fetches a pretty penny — as in one whole cent.
Whether you explore more or not, remember: there’s a difference between oral sex and oral hygiene. Please, choose responsibly.