Tylenol Doesn’t Work Anymore


There was a time when any pounding of my head could be relieved by one little extra-strength Tylenol (assuming there were no gogo boys in the room to ease the pain even faster). It was a miracle drug, a bullet to the bad vibes in my brain that instantly had me floating through clouds of Cottonelle.

But some time ago, all that ended even faster than the careers of ’90s talk show hosts. I could pop 100 Tylenols and not feel any differently, the pounding getting even more defiantly aggressive, like a bratty child with a drum kit who’s been told by a 12-year-old babysitter to keep it down. Someone must have changed the fucking formula! They had clearly skanked around the lab and made it a placebo drug! (And the same thing has apparently happened with Benadril, by the way. I suddenly have no protection against allergies either!)

But back to my headaches. The problem is, I can’t just switch to something else because Aleve and Advil have never worked for me. So what do I take–horse tranquilizer?

On a separate note, I hate “I Love My Carpet.” I liberally sprinkled the shit on my rug and vacuumed it off as per instructions, and now my whole apartment reeks of rancid mulberries! I have a headache!

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