Sharon Steel watches the Real World Brooklyn so nobody else has to. Last week, Katelynn cage-danced. This week, Obama gets elected, and the war comes home to Red Hook.
When you watch The Real World: Brooklyn, you have to keep a significant time delay in mind. We’ve finally reached the beginning of November, when Obamarama invades the Red Hook Castle, just in time to piss off token wingnuts Chet and Scott. But in “Saving Private Ryan,” we also learn that the dude we’ve referred to as our Idiot King has to return for active duty. Sometime in February. That means there’s a pretty decent chance he’s in Iraq right now. There’s no way MTV could have planned this, and we’re certain nobody–not the Overlord producers, and least of all Ryan himself–expected it to happen. But it did. Also, Chet got a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself made at the Fairway supermarket. Of course.
Not surprisingly, Katelynn Kelly Kapowski, Sarah, and J. Dingus, Esq. are the definitive Obama supporters in the Castle. We hear very little from Baya, but since she doesn’t believe in Mormon stuff it makes sense she likes the cool guy on the Shepard Fairey posters, too. Ryan is also an Obama supporter, although he eschews punditry and says he wants a President who will pretty much guarantee he’ll never have to go back to Iraq. This is pretty honest coming from a guy who voted for Bush and left high school early to join the military. Naturally, Chet and Scott are alienated and grouchy. “It’s not a football game!” Scott Zach Morris growls. “You don’t cheer, like it’s for a team!” he says of the election. Whoo boy. Chet discusses the fact that he’s not a fan of McCain or Obama. He wanted Mitt Romney in the White House. Whattaguy! We don’t hear why, but we can assume it’s because he would maybe save the rest of us hopeless bastards from the terrors of caffeine and condoms.
Ryan shows Baya and Sarah a scrapbook he made, filled with pictures of him in Iraq. “This proves it was like a reality!” said Baya, who we’re pretty sure is really a brilliant biophysicist who just behaves like a mindless twit just to amuse herself and fool us all. We’ll see you in the wrap-up episode, and you’ll be talking about your triple Ph.D., right, Baya? Totes! Fo sho!
Then, Ryan invites some of the roommates to a screening of his final film at the New York Film Academy, titled No More Tomorrow. Remember when he shot it the other week, and we made fun of him? Yeah. We feel weird about that, now, because it’s a bleak black-and-white short that begins with Ryan brushing his teeth with beer and then shooting himself in the head, while in the background, a mournful picture of him and his girlfriend sits on a table. This is why we are a little more than relieved when Ryan’s brother Aaron comes to visit, and Ryan tells him he’s thinking of maybe getting some PTSD counseling.
And then! Chetublar the Morminator goes to the Fairway supermarket, because he is possessed and obsessed and ridiculous and oh god he’s wearing lilac again. He must have taken a “What Colors Flatter My Skin Tone?” test in Cosmo and decided he would wear lilac forevermore. “I think you’ve finally made it when you have a life-sized cardboard cut-out made out of you,” Chet says. If this were true, we’d have a nice little hell on earth.
Ryan dresses up–literally–like Uncle Sam on Election Day. “Time to get a new Prez!” Hurrah! The roommates go to a big election party somewhere and get sloshed while Chet and Scott stand there shoving chips in their mouths and looking stoic and angry. Then they leave and go to Subway, because that’s the only place to go when you’re a Republican and the entire nation is DANCING. “It’s not healthy to have all Democrats run everything. It’s just not functional!” grumbles Chet, who likes Mitt Romney because…? Oh, right. Because he’s a finance guy! Haha. Thx for clearing that up. Too bad Romney couldn’t have figured out all this A.I.G. stuff for us silly libtards.
When the Democrats come home, they find Chet’s life-sized cut-out of himself bizarrely taped to the wall, rather high up on the wall, in fact. As if it were a work of art! At a museum! Which Chet seems to believe it is. “All’s fair in love and a prank war!” declares Ryan, and he helps the ladieez deface Chet’s cut-out with a picture of Obama’s smiling face taped over Chet’s, and an Obama ’08 button affixed to Cheticular Warts’ crotch. Change has come to America, ya’ll! Also, Ryan is so jazzed about our new Prez, he can’t sleep. So he paints Scott’s nails red. “He’s a model! He’s all about looking pretty,” he says, by way of explanation. Scott isn’t pleased in the morning. Not because he has red nails, though: “Whoever did it didn’t even do a good job!” Poor Scott Zach Morris. Adam Lambert wears nail polish, and he seems to be doing just fine!
Of course, Chet is furious that his unholy roommates have ruined his artistic museum-worthy cutout he was hoping Madame Tussaud would make into a waxen figurine. But nobody cares. So they go to watch Ryan walk in the Veteran’s Day parade, and cheer. Later, it’s still Ryan Day in Red Hook, and so the roommates accompany him to a gala for the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, where Devyn and Katelynn show up in Jovani prom-glam dresses that make them feel like Disney princesses. Weirdly, every single one of the roommates is there, and nobody says anything that makes us want to punch them through the television. Is it editing? Or did they actually act like people for once?
No time to wonder, because MTV saves the worst for the final five minutes of this episode. Ryan’s brother calls to tell him that he’s expected to report to Fort Jackson in February and, at first, Ryan plays it off like it’s a really terrible joke, though it’s more like he’s trying to convince himself of that fact. Just temporarily. Then his face just falls and his voice goes dead-inside and he hangs up the phone. Scott sits with him on the couch, and Ryan starts to cry. He says his girlfriend is going to kill him. He says he doesn’t want to do this to his parents again. It’s a terrible moment. Scott puts his arm around him, and there’s nothing else to say. We’re sorry, but we’re also kind of proud-by-proxy that for once MTV had the balls to let something like this run without a twinkly Bloc Party song telling us this is the beginning of something new and Ryan is going to be a hero, and all that. Cause right now, he’s just a 20-something kid scared out of his wits. -Sharon Steel