Sharyn Jackson is your American Idol host for season eight. This week: the Top 10!
Last night’s Motown show was another rough one. As Season 8 shapes up to have some of the worst singing we’ve ever seen on this show–and that’s saying a lot–I’m not hopeful that things won’t get worse tonight. We are promised an elaborate, pre-recorded group sing of some of Motown’s greatest hits. Nu? Don’t we always get a deconstructed, cheesified Motown sampler on this show? Can’t wait.
8:00 p.m. We begin with sports music and samples of some of last night’s craziest comments, like when Simon called the show’s one homosexual a star, thereby alienating most of the nation. Pretty intense stuff.
8:01. Ryan lists all the exciting things that are supposed to make us feel slightly better about tuning into this garbage, like performances from Ruben Studdard, Joss Stone, and Stevie Wonder.
8:05. We’re forced to relive some of the more nightmarish moments of last night’s two-hour competition, like Megan Joy’s warbly “For Once in My Life.” As if it weren’t already branded into my brain. Thanks, Idol.
8:08. The group sing is peppered with archival images of real-life Motown singers who, if dead, are rolling in their graves right now.
8:13. Ryan: “Welcome back to the circus.” He said it, I didn’t.
8:14. Must. Buy. Ford. Truck. Sweet escape.
8:16. Ruben Studdard grew/drew on with crayon a feeble attempt at a beard. Eight o’clock shadow.
8:19. Lil says some more things about the Idols’ trip to Detroit that are completely unintelligible, and then, The Verdicts. If you live in another time zone, this is your lucky night, because you’re going to get the news as if you were right here with me!
8:20. Adam Lambert is safe!!! Matt Giraud is in the bottom three. Whoa! Kris Allen and Lil Rounds (phew!) are safe. Michael Sarver is in the bottom three where he belongs. Bwahahahahaha.
8:23. Reeses’ commercial chocolate bunny rabbit makes “Let’s Get It On” sexier than Matt Giraud did.
8:27. Joss Stone duets with Smokey Robinson. Joss’s voice is an example of the affectation Megan Joy tries desperately to have but uses horribly, to the great offense of popular American music. Joss and Smokey deliver some super smoothness like it’s almost too slippery up there to stand up straight. They writhe in a way I can only think to describe as sexual constipation.
8:33. So… who’s going to be the third person in the bottom three tonight? Thoughts? Anyone?
8:36. And we’re back! After major outrage that she was in the bottom three last week, Allison is safe. She looks pleased as she lights a cigar. Anoop Dawg also safe. Danny Gokey is so incredibly safe. Zzzzz.
8:37. It’s down to Scott and Megan. I’m fine with getting rid of both of them, though obviously I favor giving Megan the boot. But she is safe! Damn, people. What have you done?
8:39. Randy says Matt doesn’t deserve this treatment! Matt looks depressed, and things aren’t looking up for him when Ryan sends Scott back to the couches–he’s safe.
8:45. Ryan’s sitting in between Danny Gokey and Scott MacIntyre, who both nod incessantly like bobble-heads while Ryan tries to get the gist from Simon of the judges’ veto and how it works.
8:46. Stevie Wonder shows America what it’s like when a blind singer actually can carry a tune. He then goes on to perform every song in his vast repertoire, between shouts of “I love you, American Idol.” Most likely for the royalty checks he gets when countless hopefuls bastardize his music year after year.
8:56. Michael Sarver, say goodbye. But will the judges save him? Probs not.
9:00. And that’s one deeply religious Southerner down. Goodnight!