Your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
You Asked For It
at: Thrift store
Cover Promises: You asked
for it. I mean, if you didn’t want it, why did you wear that dress?
many legitimate things in life have been stained and spoiled by sin.
Roller skating is one of them.” (page 37)
time to save your children. Ages 10 to 16 and 17 are good years for
camping, shopping, fishing, finishing the recreation room, buying a
Ping-Pong table, and going to football games with them. Learn how to
eat pizza. Make hamburgers. Wear penny loafers, Mom. It will help you
save your daughters and sons.” (page 56)
In the forward to
this collection of tough-minded answers to real kids’ questions,
Church of the Nazarene top dog Hardy C. Powers promises “Evangelist
Chuck Millhuff . . . seeks by every legitimate means to establish
communication with youth. He does not patronize to them; he does not
talk down to them.”
mind that explaining that patronize means
“talking down to” is itself the height of patronization.
holding revival sessions with young people, Millhuff achieved the
impossible– establishing contact with the elusive “youth.” The
next step: communicating to them the evils of make-up and “reading the funnies on Sunday.”
You Asked For It
Other illuminating exchanges:
What is wrong
with a good religious movie?
You see, the natural lapse of time between “first
date and sex act” is about four years. This means you should wait 16 before developing an interest in romance. Then, date in groups. In steps, advance to hand-holding (“This
satisfies to some extent, but with time it grows to be old stuff”),
and, when you’re ready, to “an arm or shoulder around the waist.”
The first embrace should follow, and then, much later, the kiss. After this comes a
dangerous game he calls “Can You Top This?”
“Dangerous explorations are made . . . Not
just hands, arms, but often the whole body is caressed . . . The pace
moves at blinding speed. Sexual climax is often talked about, and at
times even experienced.”
Finally, around age 20, when you are
safely married, you’re ready. As Millhuff puts it, “The end of the
line is reached in an ultimate experience of sexual intercourse.”
of the line”? “Ultimate”? Enjoy, because it’s going to kill
based in the Midwest, Millhuff still hosts revivals. Apparently, he considers the internet one of those
“legitimate means” to establish communication with the youth.
and you’ll find fresh, youthful slogans like “Chill out with Jesus!
I do!” and the boast “THIS IS NOT YOU FATHERS OLDSMOBILE THIS IS AN APPROACH
TO THE REVIVAL MEETING THAT IS AIMED AT CENTURY XXI!”
Sadly, these days
he seems better at establishing communication than actually
communicating. Clicking on the link “What’s Happenin'” opens a
page with just two words: “Being Written.”
To his credit, he
spells “being” with the “g.”
The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.
More:Studies in Crap