Maybe you’ve stopped looking for jobs on Craigslist because it’s just too depressing. Well, there are opportunities out there, you slackers, even if they rather stretch the term. Along with the usual bottom-feeding — “Summer Intern for Wine/Spirits PR Agency” (no pay but the tipples are great! Ha!), “Flyer Distributor” (“PLEASE SEND RESUME AND PICTURE”), etc. — there are a few you just might consider when the bodega revokes your credit.
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, for example, is looking for clowns. Bring “an overactive funny bone and a heart the size of Alaska,” a 3-5 minute routine including “exaggerated facial expressions,” and a broom with which to sweep up a spotlight. You will also be asked to tell “why you want to be a performer with The Greatest Show On Earth”: we advise weeping, “Please, I’m starving.” That’s how Emmett Kelly came up with his winning routine.
As always, there are other opportunities for the ladies. “Let me clarify,” says one prospective employer, “that ‘Fantasy Roleplay’ is not S&M. We are not a commercial Dungeon.” Their clients’ requests are “more ‘esoteric'” — tickling, trampling, schoolgirl, that stuff. And “some clients just want to hang out and talk!” You’ll get used to it; we got used to this job.