It never gets old: an evangelical Christian (or at least someone who pretends to be one to get money from actual evangelical Christian — you know, like Larry Craig) gets busted for a humorously inappropriate sex crime. Today’s specimen is Juan Alberto Ovalle, 42, who does voiceovers and works in the Spanish broadcasting department of the almost comically uptight Focus on the Family (cf. “Help! Someone I Know Has a Problem with Porn!”), and also enjoys sex with minors. Ovalle was arrested after going to meet a cop whom he thought was a 15-year-old girl with whom he’d been “discussing various sexual acts he wanted to perform with her.”
It’s possible Ovalle will just admit he screwed up, but since he’s both a Christian and in show business, we expect him to come up with a much better explanation than those which occur to the guys on To Catch a Predator. Below are the seven excuses we think best suit his poisition:
1. He was casting the Biblical story of Judith, and wanted to see if the girl would try to kill him before he had sex with her.
2. He just wanted to wish her a happy Quinceañera. You anglos might not know it, but in his country the studded strap-on is symbol of prosperity.
3. Cultural differences — 15 is considered the legal age of consent among Christian voiceover artists.
4. It was an April Fool’s Day stunt gone horribly late.
5. The “various sex acts” he discussed with her were poetic metaphors for the love of Christ from a radical new translation of the Song of Solomon.
6. Oh yeah well Roman Polanski had sex with a 13-year-old plus he drugged her. What answer do you have for that, heathens?
7. God told him to.