I Have a Great Idea For a Broadway Musical!


This one can’t fail–unless it does. It’s a musical about a fat girl (starring anyone who’s ever been in Hairspray) who goes to a pizza restaurant and orders the $7.99 special, which entitles you to three toppings. As the lovable fattie considers the possible choices, each one sparks a childhood memory–and of course, a lavish production number–and this quickly becomes a sort of pizza version of Slumdog Millionaire.

Two hours later, she decides on her final answer and–this part is like A Chorus Line–she tells a whole bunch of potential toppings to step forward. (You know, pepperoni, artichoke hearts, mushrooms, etc., all played by major stars and reality show runners up.) They all look excited to have been chosen, but the mood changes when the girl says, “Sorry, guys. Thanks for trying. But you didn’t make the cut. You can go home now.”

Sad moment, but that leaves three remaining toppings–meatballs, asparagus, and pineapple chunks–beaming in the background. The girl gives them a thumbs up and we realize they are her choices! Crying, they all sing “What I Did For Love” and the curtain comes down, leaving the audience to hit the refreshment stand, which serves pizza with two toppings. (Gotta make money, after all.)

Delish, huh? Hello? Hello?

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