We hear that the next season of “24” will be set in New York City. It seems a natural: the City never sleeps, Jack Bauer never sleeps; loyalties are constantly shifting; death and corruption are everywhere. It will certainly make the commute easier for Janeane Garofalo. And New York will make a nice fit for the series’ twelfth new President, whom we hear will be former Postmaster General Luc Heflin (Steve Buscemi), left in charge when most of the Taylor Administration is wiped out by a dirty bomb in a season-ending two-hour special.
But leaked portions of the Season Eight scenarios suggest Jack may have met his match in New York.
• When a national emergency calls Jack away from his new life as a dishwasher in Hell’s Kitchen, he can’t find anyone to cover his shift. Resolves the issue by agreeing to work a double on Sunday.
• On a trip to the U.N., President Heflin’s motorcade is stuck in midtown traffic, making him easy prey for kidnappers employed by Ali ben Rutless. Jack, trapped in Del Frisco’s Steakhouse, attempts to take out kidnappers by shooting through the large facing windows, only to find that they have been bullet-proofed by the management. Mission compromised by lawsuits.
• The terrorists sequester Heflin at APT, and Jack can’t get in because he isn’t presentably dressed (also, an iris scan reveals he’s a dishwasher). When he attempts to kill his way into the club, he is apprehended by agents of the Business Improvement District and charged with Quality of Life crimes.
• Imprisoned at Rikers, Jack quickly kills his way out and swims to the mainland, but his mission is delayed by nausea and tetanus shots.
• His mission is further compromised when his location is revealed by Gawker Stalker. As his fame spreads he is forced to kill several paparazzi.
• Jack races to a secret location via cab. Even with a gun to his head, driver can’t find Steinway Street.
• Jack tries to do his duty by getting between a gun and Chuck Schumer, but is foiled because Schumer thinks it’s a camera.
• Installation of CTU temporary communications center is delayed by permit application process, and operations plagued by shitty AT&T service.
• Mission aborted due to bedbugs.
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