He May Not Be Dead, But He Is In Your Kill File: Studies in Crap Presents E-Mail From God For Teens


Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

E-Mail From God For Teens

Author: Claire & Curt Cloninger

Publisher: River Oak Publishing

Date: 1999

Discovered at: Goodwill

The Cover Promises: Can God craft a spam filter so powerful even He can’t get through it?

Representative Quote:
From an e-mail titled “I’m Fun”:

“If you spend time with Me, you’ll find out that what you really want is a relationship with Me. I made you to need Me, and until you need Me, you won’t really be happy.

Get to know me and I’ll satisfy your desires. (I may even throw in a boat, too! You never can tell.)

The Joy-Giver,

As Claire and Curt Cloninger have it, in 1999, after millenia of silence, the Creator of All Things at last revealed himself, this time not through prophets or angels but, presumably, AOL. In this shocking collection, the Cloningers compile over 200 messages straight from the Outbox of Outboxes. They claim “It’s an opportunity to log onto God’s heart and mind.”

The (new) good news? God likes you.

A lot.

Like, maybe the way that creepy student teacher liked you in junior high.

He titles messages “I’ll Meet You In Your Room,” “Come to Know Me” and “Learn To Be A Love Receiver.” He signs off as “The Joy-Giver,” “Your Strong Tower” and “The One Who Made Thunder.”

In “You Were Made To Love Me” He even talks about filling your “God-shaped hole” with His love . . . and then you reciprocating through some “you-shaped” orifice of His.

In messages like “Pull Up A Chair And Sit Awhile” his mode is pure quiet-storm.

“Right in the middle of the world’s hurricane of busyness, I’ll serve you a sit-down, four-course meal. If you make time in your day to stop and enjoy our relationship, I’ll take care of the things you’re worried about. Enjoy me in the eye of the storm.

Your peace,

Shocking Detail: So, the God of Abraham, David, and Peter is now the God of the age-inappropriate online slow-jam. Worse, he’s also the God of Chicken Soup For The Soul. Imagine an old testament believer hearing this from the burning bush:

“Dear child,
Have you ever slept under a comforter? It’s a plush blanket filled with downy softness that is warm and ultra-cozy. On a cold night there’s nothing like curling up under a warm comforter.

Think of me that way. I am your comforter.”

Forget building arcs or sacrificing sons! The best this God could inspire is typing “UNSUBSCRIBE”!

He’s not above grabbing attention with a duplicitous subject line.

Highlight: God’s subject headings break down into three broad categories:


Whitesnake Ballads:

“Go After Love”

“I Want to Amaze You”

“You Were Made To Love Me”

“I’m An Expert On Loving You”


Things Lou Pearlman Might Say To A Boy Band Hopeful:

“Let’s Get To Know Each Other Better”

“What To Wear Every Day”

“Learn To Love My Rules”

“Not Your Teacher But Your Master”

“You Are My Advertisement”


Little From Column A, Little From Column B:

“Find Yourself In Me”

“I’ll Never Leave You Alone”

“I’ll See You At The Party”

“Let Me Be Your Treehouse”

The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.