American Idol: Slash Piddles While Idol Burns, Musings From a 60-Year-Old Fan, Allison and Adam are Getting Married

Kris Allen is the real-life Dr. Drew Baird, the Jon Hamm character that Tina Fey dated on 30 Rock. He lives in a Beautiful Bubble.

After spending the weekend with my 60-year-old Idol-watching dad, I’ve gained some new insights into the show. A blue-collar letter carrier with zero ability on a computer, my dad’s a pretty quiet guy, but I’ve never seen him become so animated as he is when he discusses the show my mom somehow tricked him into watching for the past three years. This season, he predicts (as does Simon Cowell, he informs me) that the finale will pit Adam Lambert against Danny Gokey, but that Danny will, however unfairly, win, “Because Adam is an all-around entertainer. I’d love to see him in Las Vegas, but apparently he’s not what people want the American Idol to be.”

My dad’s got nothing to say about Adam’s presumed sexuality, but it has been suggested to him by my mom that Ryan Seacrest might be (hushed voice) “gay.” However, my dad recently happened to see a copy of People in the waiting room at the dentist. “There were photos of a nice woman walking with Ryan all over the place! They were at the supermarket…they seemed to be having a good time. Of course, Rock Hudson pretended to be dating women.” Naturally.

His least favorite part of Idol is the results show. “It’s torture, all those performances, and Coca-Cola and Ford every few minutes. In this economy, who would buy a Ford now?” So this week, he’s found the perfect solution. Coming home late Wednesday night from a bus trip to Atlantic City, he’s taping the results, and when he gets in, he will fast-forward through all the boring parts. I swear he came up with that all on his own.

And since that’s how I watch the show, I just about want to fast-forward everything tonight, but then, what could I possibly have to say? And so, here’s the play-by-play.

An accident! Ryan tells us it’s been a crazy day because one of the stage’s glass towers began to collapse before dress rehearsal. But, “As they say in Hollywood, ‘The show must go on.'” They don’t say that in Hollywood at all. They say “Cut, do it again.” Anyway, because of the mess, contestants didn’t get to do a run-through before the live show, and for some–well one in particular–it’s painfully clear.

Slash is the guest mentor for Classic Rock night. “Throughout the years he’s collaborated with some of music’s most recognizable faces,” Ryan’s voiceover explains, as they close up on a cigarette poking out of a frizzy black comb-over. Nope, no face there. Slash plays guitar during the mentor sessions, but he sits out the show from the audience come performance time. Some of the judges, which shall remain nameless, try to dress like Adam Lambert tonight.

1. Adam Lambert

Well this is the night he’s been waiting for, isn’t it? In a studded silvery leather jacket and the heaviest application of eyeliner we’ve seen from him, he looks like, well, Kara. He sings Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love.” It’s everything Adam’s ever done times a million. He makes an evil rocker face on “wommmmmannnnn”–or am I projecting now? The women in the audience are freaking out. Judges love it, and Simon says it’s one of his faves–except “it’s a little understated.” Oh Simon, so witty!

2. Allison Iraheta

Allison went to Adam Lambert’s hair stylist this week, but I don’t see a difference. Who cares? She’s singing Joplin–“Cry Baby.” It’s in a weird key though, a little low. This is maybe the first time I thought her song was just a little too big for her. Randy and Kara are not in love with it, but Paula tells her she should play Janis in a biopic. Jackie Jormp-Jomp? Simon tells her she should have sang something else–namely Queen’s “Somebody To Love.” Meh. She enjoys a little feisty exchange with Simon, which he’s been egging her on about for weeks. So cute. Why is this girl always in the Bottom Three? She’s adorable.

3. DUET: Kris Allen & Danny Gokey

Switching things up, we get the first of two duets tonight. The two non-rockers get thrown together unfortunately, for Styx’s “Renegade.” Kris does not have a voice for this music, but at least he’s cute. Danny does sing it better, but he’s so Taylor Hicks. No, not even–he’s like that douchebag from Hoboken who goes out to a bar on the Upper East Side to meet girls. Randy liked their harmonies. But that’s the song, Randy. Kara says there were pitchy moments. Paula found it powerful. Simon gets down to business, telling Danny he was better than Kris. The only really good thing to come from this is that now we know Adam and Allison will be duetting in a little while. That’s like a karaoke-lover’s wet dream.

Can I just say, “There’s nothing ironic about show choir”? Blogging Glee, the show they’ve been previewing through the entire season of Idol, has got to be my next gig.

4. Kris Allen

He finds a loophole to classic rock night by singing a Beatles song–“Come Together.” This was one of Carly Smithson’s best nights last year! Best! This is just kind of limp, compared. But at the same time really adorable! Ah, Kris is so frustrating. You want him to succeed, but it’s totally unfounded. You know who Kris is? He’s that doctor played by Jon Hamm that Tina Fey dated on 30 Rock that couldn’t play tennis or do surgery because he lived in the Beautiful Bubble.

Randy was glad that Kris tried to do his own thing. Kara gets booed for telling the truth that it sucked. Paula tells him to pick up the energy. What is with her earring? It looks like part of her ear was cut off and encased in gold. Slash makes a crazy face. Simon said it was like eating ice for lunch. Ryan tells him he’s too rich for that. (It’s true: My dad told me he read that Cowell makes $45 million a year.) Which reminds me, why is there no “Idol Gives Back” this year?

5. Danny Gokey

Slash is wary of Danny’s pick: Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” As Slash explains, it doesn’t matter how the song goes at all, as long as he gets the note at the end. We hear Danny’s rehearsal of the note, and it’s not pretty. Ohh, and he’s really nervous. You can tell. Look how tight his butt is. Here’s why: the note comes out like a screaming flu-infected swine. Actually it’s one of the most ridiculous noises to ever come out of a human. Randy gives him an “A+ for valiant effort.” Kara and Paula both give him some allowances for having difficulty with the genre. But what is his genre? There’s never going to be a Creed week. Or is there? Simon says the last note was like something out of a horror film, but he’ll probably be safe. Someone in the audience has a sign that says, “Simon Cowell: The King of Common Sense.”

6. Allison Iraheta & Adam Lambert

They’re doing “Slow Ride”–both in the same octave. They’re having so much fun. I bet they love each other. I mean, they share a hair stylist now. They hug at the end, so cute. They’ll make the best album together! Paula says they make the perfect marriage…if “opposite marriage” is your thing. Simon says they win the show tonight.

Who is going home tonight? Kris deserves it, but Allison is so misunderstood, she might not make it another week.

My dad’s prediction? “Kris, hands down.”