Chuck Schumer Avenges Humanity Against Urban Wildlife!


At last, one of our elected representatives is fighting back against nature, which as we previously reported is at war with New York, sending cows, wallaroos, feral parrots and other agents to smite us. Chuck Schumer strikes on two fronts: first, he has put in a bill requiring airports to report bird strikes, like the goose attack that brought down US Airways Flight 1549. This enemy surveillance ought to please the New York Post, which has tirelessly crusaded against the avian menace. Second, he’s demanding $50 million to study ways to eradicate the African longhorn beetle menace that has been killing trees in Staten Island. “Across Staten Island, we have already seen the devastating damage these ravenous beetles can have on our city’s trees and parks,” says Schumer. He also says he wants to protect the trees because they “clean our air, cool our climate, attract thousands of tourists, and improve the overall quality of life.” Sure, the trees are on our side now, Chuck, but we’ve had trouble with them in the past. But we understand: One step at a time. First we take care of the birds and bugs, and then we go after the killer vegetation. Photo (cc) CES Big Apple.