Cheek, In Review: 7 Days of Runnin’ Scared


Yeah, we finally made it to Citi Field Wednesday. What do we think? We think Johan Santana is awesome.

Swine Flu fucked up Cinco de Mayo, continued to be funny until we got it. Wait, actually it’s still pretty funny, especially since we really didn’t get swine flu. But even if!

Anyway Raccoon Roundworm is now what all the cool kids are in PANIC about!

Animals have really gotten to be a menace. New York was attacked by a wallaroo (with video!). There was also Molly the Cow who escaped her slaughterhouse and got a new home, and was reported romantically involved, which forced us to do legwork, for Chrissakes. Thank God we have Chuck Schumer to stand up to bugs and birds!

The MTA Bill, born as hype, proceeded as a delay, was passed at night and hated by everyone. Oh, and that Verrazano Bridge toll increase we wondered about? It’s on.

President Obama stressed the banks, but they didn’t seem to mind. He also opened Miss Liberty’s head.

Governor Paterson did what he’s best at: setting a new record low in an opinion poll. He also fired Elliot Sander.

Mayor Bloomberg lost a commissioner to racism (her own), tried to get us all to vacation in our own city, hung with Sharpton and Gingrich, and bragged on school test scores that might not mean that much, and wanted some answers on Ground Zero, dammit.

Anthony Weiner told the world Anthony Weiner is Not To Be Fucked With! Well, actually Tom Robbins told the world that. Ruben Diaz, Sr. also said some crazy shit. Rend Smith corresponded with the founder of Craigslist about Craigslist Killers. Bob Kerrey quit (effective 2011).

Andrew Cuomo is bad, he’s nationwide.

Maine went gay! Michael Feingold burst into showtune.

Cops nabbed the guy who stabbed his kid in the head and the Wesleyan killer.

Oprah started the Great KFC Riot of 2009.

Rightbloggers said it was great news that they had one less senator, and joined leftbloggers in some Star Trek madness. Crackpot scientists discussed “sperm displacement theory.” Nominees for the Tony Awards were announced.

Bronx Democrats got two new boroughwide nominees — and John DeSio.

Alan Scherstuhl dug mountains of Crap Studies out of a Mallorca guidebook and an old Coronet magazine (which Jezebel liked).

Allen Barra continued to defend A-Rod, a job made easier by Manny Ramirez‘s suspension for taking a lady drug. If the Yankees could stop treating their fans like shit, they might get away with this lousy season.

Tony Ortega remembered a Lance Armstrong moment of omerta. Emily Brady went to a South Bronx bookstore. Graham Rayman saw a difference in the way housing authorities treated Charlie Rangel and some guy who was not a Congressman. Elizabeth Dwoskin attended Eliot and Silda Spitzer‘s coming-out party.

Miss California Carrie Prejean got gays in her face and racy pix on the internet. Paul Krugman dissed conservatives. The New York Times applauded people earning half what they used to (we’re talking fast food guys, not bankers). The Rent Guidelines Board fucked us again. Bristol Palin became a freakin’ abstinence advocate. Crunch went bankrupt. Fox stuck up for the Voice and the Post considered charging for online content.

R.I.P. Jack Kemp, Dom DeLuise, Judy Trunnel, and this week.