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The exhilarating moment of truth (for this week, anyway) has finally come. Will Douchebag Gokey’s backroom-of-a-bar performances last night earn him the well-deserved boot? Will Kris Allen’s Beautiful Bubble finally burst? Will Adam ever be too gay for America? It’s too close to call!
And here’s Ben Stiller! And Ben Hader, Hank Azaria, and Jonah Hill! Not so slyly promoting their new film and make fun of Paula all in one bout. Yeah, this show tonight is a Big Deal. Coming up: Jordin Sparks. Meh. Katy Perry. Ugh.
9:03pm. The Ford music video kicks off the festivities, with cartoon contestants doing “Break My Stride.”
9:05. A shiny Alicia Keys is here to continue Carrie Underwood’s international reporting about Idol Gives Back efforts. Someone walks out on stage into the shadows, then promptly retreats. Alicia’s beauty nearly convinces me to text “alive” to some AT&T number and give her my money. Noah, a teenager from Rwanda, performs spiritedly.
9:14. Losers in the house! Glimpses of Allison Iraheta, Scott MacIntyre, Anoop Desai. Results already! Not. Just more video of visits home, starting with Danny, who has a loud and proud cougar fan in the audience. Just one? In Milwaukee, he’s got more than a few. Sweeping shot of the store of another sponsor. Jamar! Black & White cookie reunited! Danny pushes aside his Gokey Glasses to cry.
9:20. Kris’s trip to Arkansas conveniently seems to have been taken without the wife. Kris’s screaming audience is infinitely more attractive than Danny’s. He and his dad have a private, incredibly public moment, and then he sings that song from Once. His wife does show up for the Pride parade (there are men in wigs, I swear) through the city of Conway.
9:30. Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks with guy from One Republic on the piano. Scary eyes!
9:38. Is Adam actually from San Diego? His blue ribbon always says Los Angeles. I was really looking forward to Idol trying to treat LA as a quirky little hometown. Now I just feel like Adam is rootless. Adam puts eyeliner on the local weathercaster. A visit to his childhood educational theater troupe has Adam inspire countless future theater queens. Awww! Today is “Adam Lambert Day”! Soon, every day will be Adam Lambert Day. He visits the Marine Corps?!
9:43. The three boys sit side-by-side on the fabled couches and now we wait…
9:48. We will get the result of 88 million votes after Katy Perry’s “Waking Up in Vegas.” Danny told Ryan during commercial “I just want this to be over.” Our sentiments exactly.
9:49. Katy comes out in a cape embroidered with the words “Adam Lambert.”
9:57. The first person going to the finals: Kris Allen. Wow!
9:58. Joining him is Adam Lambert. YAYYYYY!
10:03. Simon says the finale is going to be a big ding-dong.