Studies in Crap Meets Doctor Morrison, That Noted Believer In the Electric Power of Pubic Hair


Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from  basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.


Doctor Morrison’s Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated


Marsh Morrison, D.C.,
Ph.C, F.I.C.C.

Publisher: Parker Publishing, West Nyack, New York


Discovered at: Thrift store


The Female Has A ‘Little Penis’ Also.” (Section heading, page 117).

Another way to build strength into the muscles of the vagina is to place a
large coin between the buttocks and walk around gripping the coin
between ‘the cheeks of the posterior.’ (page 129)

Staggering between holistic common sense and the most peculiar of rubbish, Doctor Morrison’s Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health concerns advice
on the elimination of hunchbackedness, treating a prostate by sitting on a hot water bottle, and how “counter-gravitational drills” can improve any woman’s “skinny flat-chested condition.”

Most impressive is “How to Tune Up Your Love Life,” a fascinating chapter distinguished by section headings like “What Must A Man Know About A Woman’s Parts?”, “What Goes On Down There When You’re Sexually Aroused?” and the immortal “How Masturbation Helped This Uptight Female Teacher.”

[Note: since Dr. Morrison’s book offers no images, I am illustrating this post with fifties “Coital Posture Diagrams.”]



Dr. Morrison professes the importance of that lady-penis. That said, he writes bitchily of the unsatisfied female patients who have complained to him, over the years, of their husbands’ tendency to “ride low”:

By this they meant that in the conventional male-superior position of
sex, the male position was too low to contact and stimulate the
clitoris during the in-and-out movements of the act. These women were
not on the right track. (I always thought that they didn’t much like
their mates anyway; for if they did, his ‘ride low’ position would
have been thoroughly satisfactory.”

Lesson One: it’s women’s fault when they don’t get off. 


“The Size of the Penis Makes No Difference,” here’s a defensive Morrison on the subject of
men’s little clitorises.

The talk that one hears is to the effect that Negro men are especially
large-built or endowed in this respect. The truth is that the black
man’s penis is usually longer in the relaxed state, but not in any
important respect larger than the white man’s penis in the erect
state . . . It just so happens that when a white man has an erection
his penis enlarges much more from the ‘soft stage’ than is the case
with the average black man.”

Lesson Two: McCain Wins!

Morrison argues that male impotence is caused by female ridicule and that the key to
our daily fight against “gravity” is daily sessions of Primordial
Walking: “Pick out the largest room or hallway in your home and
walk on all fours, the kind of walking done primordially, by your
first ancestors.”

His other insights include:

  • Stretching and dilating the anal sphincter is a most important technique in
    gaining a
    Miracle Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health . . . All
    you need to do is obtain a rectal dilator and tube of K-Y jelly, or
    bottle of vitamin E (wheat germ) oil.”

  • For some degree of protection against infection, the male can rub a
    little vinegar onto the glans, or head, of his penis.”

  • An easy and effective way to strengthen the vaginal muscles involved in
    gripping the penis is this. Imagine your needing to evacuate the
    bowels and draw the stool back forcefully.”

  • When groups of drinking and non-drinking sailors had sex with the same
    prostitutes, those with alcohol in their blood were infected, while
    the non-drinking men had no disease after-effects at all. This has
    been reported with enough sufficiency to give it credibility.”

  • Moreover, when I halt the use of condoms, the backaches go away, which is
    confirmatory evidence of the theory.”


Shocking Detail:

Morrison defines sex as “an electro-magnetic interchange between
the male and female.”

The electric lunges out and seeks, hunting its ground area – and the
male certainly hunts and seeks the female as the place where he wants
be grounded.”

Further, “We know that the hair makes electric sparks when we run a
comb through it. When the pubic hair of lovers is in contact, with
ensuing friction, the electric sparks fly also.”
No surprise, then, that he disapproves of condoms:

Rubber is a non-conductor of electricity; and the rubber condom is guilty of
preventing the healthy conduction, or flow, of the male electrical

Lesson Three:
Before making love, rub your socks on the carpet.


Highlight: Dr. Morrison’s other books include How to Eat Away Impotence as well as the following:


Crap Archivist has passed many an evening dreaming of these books.
Sometimes I guess at what their first sentences might be:

“One day, Kissinger croaked, ‘Please. I am not a mister.'”


“Having struck out with doctors, dentists, and pharmacists, I found myself indulging more prosaic fantasies.”


“There are ten stories in the City of Fingerless Men, but nobody could count them.”

The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.