Cheek, in Review: 7 Days of Runnin’ Scared


The last Chico mural for New York. Thanks, EV Grieve.

What a week. Everyone was pissed at us. Williamsburgers didn’t appreciate being called dorks for trying to silence ice cream trucks. Horace Mann students got mad when we suggested they were faking swine flu to get out of school. Allison Benedikt got into it with some anti-Facebook-kid-pic feminists. When protesters demonstrated against gay marriage midtown, a speaker took some shots at the Voice. Tony Ortega took some heat for revealing Nick Denton‘s no-benefits plan. We couldn’t even get away with making fun of Michael Vick without a challenge. And we thought nobody read us!

It all started so well, with a nice Dance Parade.

President Obama spoke at Notre Dame, which as usual was treason, even blasphemy. It was a mixed week for him, though: He got Congress to pass a watered-down credit card bill, and though he abjured torture and Gitmo, he’ll still allow indefinite detentions.

On the other hand, several Bronx artists paid him homage, he received cheers at Annapolis, and got Dick Cheney to make an ass of himself.

Mayor Bloomberg‘s week was also mixed. He polled high (though maybe the questions helped), but the Independent Budget Office says his budget is short a billion or so. Oh well, he’ll always be rich — and so will his friends.

Somebody Got Murdered at South Road and Liverpool Street in Jamaica, a wooded area near 20th Avenue in Queens, Linden Avenue and Autumn Avenue in Brooklyn, near 2218 79th Street in Bensonhurst, West 147th Street in Harlem.

That seems like a lot of killing for one week, doesn’t it? Unlike the New York Post, we have no need to gild the lily.

We were nominated for a prestigious award!

In sports, Melky Cabrera got pied, and Lance Armstrong got time-trialed, and Eric Naposki kept up the NFL’s criminal arrest record.

Swine Flu PANIC! persisted; more schools were closed; a second Queens swine flu death was reported — then they said it wasn’t swine flu.

Crap was effulgent! Picture Stories of the Sex Life of Man and Woman and Doctor Morrison’s Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health.

We went to the Obies!

Wayne Barrett stayed on top of the recent Troopergate aftershocks for Governor Paterson. Tony O was gratified the New York Times noticed what a jerk Janet Napolitano is. Tom Robbins kept up with newly-convicted ex-assemblyman Brian McLaughlin, Richard Aborn‘s piling-up endorsements, and the continuing downfall of “Good Time Charlie Millard.”

Mary Louise Parker bitched about getting naked, despite a long history thereof. Andrew Cuomo fought Craigslist, Craiglist fought back — but nobody did anything about the sex menace of YouTube.

AIDS Walk attendance was down. So was the subways‘. The West 4th Street basketball courts got used for a fashion show. Woody Allen settled for less. Protesters tied up the Verrazano Bridge for minutes. The World’s Richest plotted our domination; the merely rich called for more drunk hot chicks in bikinis for their yacht.

Four dumbasses plotted to blow shit up; Graham Rayman took a hard look at their FBI contact.

Norman Hsu was found guilty. So was Janet Redmond-Mercereau. Transportation Alternatives urged cyclists to be law-abiding, then encouraged racing in the streets. A lawyer stole his clients’ settlement money. Fleet Week came in, in a scaled-down version. Cabbies got free burgers. Everyone got free hot dogs. Schwarzenegger got his ass kicked. Andrew Giuliani got rejected. New York failed the written test. A principal beat up a teacher. Bangladeshis turned gamblers. Dick Parsons had a love child.

A rightblogger sued because someone made fun of him. If that were a crime, we’d be in Sing Sing now.

Kirsten Gillibrand swept all in her path with several year-early endorsements. Scott Stringer thought about challenging Gillibrand — then thought again, as did Tom Suozzi.

RIP Mitchell Wiener and this week. Enjoy your long weekend.