News & Politics

Eartha Kitt is “Going White,” and Marlon Brando is Hellbound with Stalin: The Internet Only Wishes It Were As Bitchy As 1955’s Rave magazine

by

Your Crap Archivist
brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from
basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do
this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

ravecoverd.jpg

Rave: The Magazine of Intimate Expose

Author: Gay-baiting, breast obsessed,  utterly degenerate/hilarious pretend moralist “Peter Hamilton”

Date: October,
1955

Discovered at:
Antique shop

The Cover
Promises:
That Gretta Garbo “loathes” America, the country
that invented Russian Roulette.

Representative
Quotes:

“When Marlon
Brando taps on those Pearly gates and mumbles at St. Peter that he
wants in, the reception he’ll get will be about as warm as the one
St. Pete recently gave the late Josef Vasily Stalin.” (page 22).

If
we are wrong, there’s no doubt about it: we’ll have pulled the
publishing goof of the decade.
We
repeat: DEBBIE AND EDDIE WILL NOT MARRY.”

(page 4)

Like
the Fox News hosts who denounce spring break lasciviousness while
filling the screen with looped images of wet t-shirt action,
the scandal rag Rave enjoys nothing more
than taking a good, long, hand-in-pants stare into the very vices it
purports to oppose.

On one page, Rave is
shocked that Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher would dare “mock”
the institution of marriage. Not only does Rave suspect the romance was unconsummated and publicist-dictated, Rave suggests of Debbie, in bold, “maybe she was UNINTERESTED in boys.”

But just a few pages later, Rave sneers
at buxom sexpot Jane Russell for insufficient sexiness,
comparing her to “a painted female impersonator who stuck one
too many pillows down the front.”

raverussell.jpg

Acres
of flesh,”
Rave
sniffs, “but not one pebble of oomph.”

Rave blasts
her “shoddy bumps and grinds” onscreen and claims “Her bossman, Howard Hughes, has spent
countless zillions of bucks publicizing her 38-inch bustline. Still
the guys who know Miss Russell best, off-screen, consider her a
38-carat nothing.”

Nastier still:

One
of the best estimates of Janie was made by a Hollywood wit the time
he was conned into watching a private screening of that all-time
celluloid turkey,
The Outlaw. ‘My
God!’ he cried, as the camera dollied majestically in on her
billowing bosom. ‘They forgot to milk her!'”

Then, much like US magazine suddenly lashing out at its cash-cow Angelina Jolie’s parenting,

Rave makes with the fake morals. Here Hamilton contemplates what Russell’s husband, ex-football player Bob Waterfield, must
feel about her close relationship a “gal pal”:


“It is pleasant to imagine that Bob, like
Rave,
simply thumbed through his well-worn Bible and philosophically
muttered that of such palship or something is paved the way to
heaven– or somewhere.”

Compare “Marlon Brando: The World’s Worst Lover” to the
beach-body roundups of today’s mostly afraid scandal rags (helpfully tracked by Jezebel each week), and you’ll see that Rave’s claim of being “unafraid” stands. It’s hard to imagine Hamilton softballing celebrities
in exchange for baby pictures.

Taking
on Eartha Kitt,
Rave dishes dirt TMZ and Perez Hilton wouldn’t dare:

raveeartha1.jpg


raveearhatall.jpg

raveeartha4.jpg

(Note that, in Rave’s goofy photo, Kitt’s head is proportioned like a Pez dispenser’s.)

Other unafraid Rave claims:

  • Marlon
    Brando desecrated a church.

  • On a flight
    home from Europe, Groucho Marx listed his occupation on a customs
    form as “smuggler.” Later, when delayed for hours by officials,
    he stage-whispered to his then wife, “What did you do with the
    opium?”

  • Why
    Garbo Loathes America” offers this astonishing caption.

    ravegarbo.jpg

  • From “Noel Coward: Las Vegas’ Queerest Hit”: “The average, ordinary American has never heard of Noel Coward.
    Ordinarily, we’d consider that fact the average, ordinary
    American’s good luck and leave Mr. Coward dancing solitary minuets
    with the other sprites in the garden.”

  • Clowns detest circus tyrant John Ringling North, “the fop of the
    big top.”

    raveringling.jpg

  • In
    “Who is America’s Hammiest Actor,”
    Rave
    subscribers
    – most of whom write in the exact
    purple, biting prose of
    Hamilto
    n
    go on the attack. Arthur Lewis of Ohio on Tony Curtis: “He touches
    peaks of hamminess that demonstrate that here, truly, is a ham to
    the smokehouse born.”

    
Here’s R. J. Hill on Jimmy Stewart:

ravestewarttext.jpg

  •  
    And here’s why Russian Roulette is dangerous.

raveroulette2.jpg


Shocking Detail:
Hamilton
didn’t limit his hatred to the wealthy and beautiful. He also had it in
for his readers, who reciprocated on a letters page so hostile it
predicts internet comment threads.

ravelettersservice1.jpg


raveletterservice2.jpg

When not assailing soldiers, Rave suggests readers lobotomize themselves.

ravelettersnellie.jpg

(For masochists, the full letters page is here and here.)

Highlight:
“Is Ava Gardner an Unnatural Narcissist?”
Find out — back issues ran just a quarter!

raveotherissues.jpg

The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice‘s sister paper, The Pitch.

Most Popular