Another year, another unwatched Tony Awards show. Let’s face it: this Sunday’s prize party isn’t even getting you excited, is it? Sure, the Tonys provide the MDR of greasepaint ‘n’ glamour we learned to love as lonely, introverted children. But as a quick look back at, say, the justly famous 25th Anniversary Tony Awards will show — Zero Mostel! Robert Preston! Pre-Mr. Hand Ray Walston! — the theatre ain’t what it was, and if the idea of watching a number from Shrek the Musical on TV isn’t filling us with anticipation, you can imagine what the folks out there in middle America who never even belonged to Drama Club must think of it.
So why stick with the status quo? Here are five changes we propose to get everybody more excited about the show. We know they’re last-minute, but the Tony people can handle it — that’s what’s so wonderful about show people! Plus, they smile when they are low! Five six seven eight:
1.) Neil Patrick Harris comes out as straight. It was nice, even brave in a small-screen way when he came out gay. Now he should really fuck with people’s heads and walk on wearing sunglasses and a scraggly beard and — you can hear the astonished front-row murmurs already — dressed badly. As cameras nervously follow, Harris will stalk the stage drinking a tall Bud and deliver a long rambling monologue about how he had “mistaken bromance for love,” and then announce his engagement to Jessica Biel, followed by a promo for Powder Blue. Must-see TV! Bloggers will be all over it: “We never believed that gay thing for a second. That guy he plays on ‘How I Met Your Mother’? Total ladies man — just like Bulldog on ‘Frasier.’”
2.) Previews! We have no idea why no one thought of this before. Let’s see snippets of upcoming productions, such as The Duchess of Malfi starring Vin Diesel, and the musical version of An Inconvenient Truth with Alec Baldwin as Al Gore and Nathan Lane as the Polar Bear.
3.) Audience members should get to vote by text message on who gets to stay in Rock of Ages and who gets sent home.
4.) Best Choreography award settled not by votes, but in a dance-off! Winner determined by elimination as four nominees admit that they’re just overcompensating for something and should let go of the past.
5.) Dolly Parton wardrobe malfunction.