My Worst Nightmare


Let me tell you the worst case scenario I’ve ever imagined for myself in my bleakest moments of self-pitying despair. I picture myself completely paralyzed from head to toe except for my anus, which I’ll have to blink to communicate and get what I need to stay alive.

It’s like an anal version of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, minus the charm. As I see it, a hired nurse will ask me a question–say, “You want some green Jello?”–and I’ll have to butt-blink once for yes, twice for no, and three times for “Tell me more about it.” It’ll be a hideously unappetizing situation, one predicated on the kind of physical control I’m not so sure I can muster, especially with someone watching my crevice as if it were a late-breaking news report.

Most ‘marishly of all, I’ll probably blink twice by mistake, thereby turning down a delicious dessert!

Your worst nightmare? (Aside from reading this post.)