Losing My White Castle Virginity


Since I grew up with a mother whose go-to cookbook was Recipes for a Small Planet, my fast-food knowledge is thin. Watching Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle made me wish we had a bag of pot laying around, not a bag of sliders. In fact, I had never had a White Castle slider (or a Whopper, or a Big Mac for that matter) until today. Frankly, if it’s free, I’ll eat it, and White Castle has a coupon going around for a free slider, good until July 12th.

So off I went to my closest White Castle, and presented my coupon to at least three disgruntled employees until one of them finally took pity on me and handed me a free slider, thus saving me 75 cents. Honestly, these things are pretty weird, are they not? First of all, the floppy “patty” looks like a square slice of government-issued deli meat. Second of all, why are there holes in the burger?? Where do those little cut-out circles of beef end up? White Castle should sell hamburger holes the way that Dunkin Donuts sells donut holes.

I guess the lesson here is not to examine your White Castle slider too closely. Because it actually tasted pretty good–creepily good, because having eyed that flimsy scrap of meat, I knew that the big, beefy taste in my mouth was not coming from the patty, but from some magical chemical hamburger spray produced, probably, in Jersey. I feel so much older and wiser now.