Wipe Your Ass In Comfort


Tired of having to actually touch your heinie when you go to the bathroom? Equally annoyed with having to finger dirty toilet paper once it’s been used? Or maybe you’ve simply lost motor control and wish the doody would just remove itself. Well, have I got a date for you–and he’s 18 inches long!! I’m talking about Comfort Wipe, an invaluable device for your ever-lovin’ keyster, as shown in this actual infomercial (posing as a comedy sketch).

You simply place the paper on the long, blue-and-white “extension arm and holder” and wipe away, then press the release button and the used tissue falls into the bowl, never to be seen again. With the help of this marvelous middle man, your fingers never turn brown–though they may get sore from trying to wrangle the paper onto the device!

“It allows you to maintain your dignity while you maintain your personal hygiene,” says one of the testimonial givers, who prefers this process to having someone else have to wipe you. (Not me. I prefer having other people do everything for me–yes, even that.)

By the way, this incredible deal also comes with a Get-a-Grip, which does some other function I can’t quite gather. If I buy one, maybe I’ll finally get a grip.

PS: Thanks to guest curator Vodka Stinger for alerting me to this load of crap.