“The first time I fucked my wife I had an open sore on my cock.”
“Silent Bob Speaks”
The expression “like an open book” should be updated to reflect the startlingly full disclosures Kevin Smith has been offering his fans over the past few years through his online diary, Twitter account, SModcast, bestselling memoir and, most recently, his live “Silent Bob Speaks” performance, which played to a sold-out crowd at Carnegie Hall last night. But whereas most cases of celebrity over-sharing come off as mindless exhibitionism, Smith’s divulgences seem generous — a gift to the sizable portion of his audience that takes a near-scholarly interest in Smith’s day-to-day activities, from the directorial (he’s currently shooting A Couple of Dicks with Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis) to the lavatorial.
The latter took precedence at Carnegie Hall. After being sweetly introduced by his daughter Harley Quinn, Smith gave thanks by announcing, “So you saw what happened when I came — that! I don’t know what your orgasms look like, but that’s what mine looked like.” The audience cheered. Wearing a pair of baggy ankle-length jean shorts and a New Jersey Devils t-shirt beneath a terrycloth bathrobe, he rhapsodized briefly about his newfound stonerhood (a result of his proximity to Seth Rogan on the set of Zack and Miri Make a Porno) and accompanying weight-gain. “These days I sweat when I breathe,” he said.
Things got saltier during the two and a half hour Q&A. Queried about his friendship with Malcolm Ingram, Smith praised the Canadian director of Small Town Gay Bar for introducing him to the phrase “sloppy party bottom” and the existence of the International Bear Rendezvous, where burly gay men “get together and look for guys like you to fuck,” he told his shy, purple-haired interrogator. Later, Smith asked a husky young questioner with a beard whether he wears his shirt during sex. “I often do, yes,” the guy said, heartbreakingly. And when a pretty girl in a pink dress with matching pink stilettos, pink bra, pink fingernail polish, and a pink iPhone asked, on behalf of Time Out, whether Smith had any dating advice, he replied, “Well, the first time I fucked my wife I had an open sore on my cock.” Smith’s wife and mom were sitting near one another in the third row.
One of the evening’s rare non-scatological digressions concerned Smith’s love for Wayne Gretzky and Gretzky’s dad, Walter, whom Smith met at this year’s Walter Gretzky Street Hockey Tournament. “He used to tell Wayne, ‘Don’t go where the puck is, go where the puck’s gonna be,'” Smith said. “I swear, Walter Gretzky is the most perfect man since Jesus Christ.” He paused. “When we met, he told me, ‘You’re one of God’s angels on earth, Kevin.'”