Found: World’s Least Persuasive Apartment-Share Ad Reply


So we’ve all heard that one silver lining to the whole economic meltdown is that New York is suddenly a renter’s marker again. Heck, when we found our new apartment a few months back we even managed to convince the landlord to knock a couple hundred bucks off our monthly rent. Apparently, people are even upping their demands in potential roommate situations, as our friend Mauricio found out recently when he placed an ad on Craigslist looking for someone to share his two-bedroom apartment in Queens. He received the following response which, believe it or not, is edited for your reading pleasure:

Hi there,

I am interested in the room, I am a hard-working, reliable, considerate,
friendly & helpful educated, well-read personable gal working in biz
development… looking to room w/ someone w/ a mindset such as yours, of having peace *& quiet at home & not bringing the party back home, etc..

(Sounds good, until we get to the movies…)

I have mature sophisticated tastes but I also like to watch stuff like the
Superman series, Smallville!! If you like superheroes, etc.. Xmen, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine, Fantasic Four, Watchmen, Wonderwoman, etc.. films of this genre & others — That’d BE cool… Of course, many other favorites too…. such as the serious side of drama, Romantic Comedies, or even Docu-Drama’s like “Traffic” w/ Benicio Del Toro, Rwanda w/ Don Cheadle, Angelina Jolie portraying the wife of Daniel Pearl in a A Mighty Heart (2007) …. Mariane Pearl — her husband, a murdered WSJ journalist lost in, & lost to the Iraq war as an embedded journalist. The Natural w/ Robert Redford, The Great Gatsby, 12 Angry Men, Foreign Films w/ martial arts themes, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, director Chen Kaige’s — Farewell My Concubine, Red Sorghum, w/ Gong Li — the beautiful lead actress Age of Innocence — Wynona Ryder-Daniel, Gangs of NY, 21 Grams, Way of the Gun, Reality Bytes, Much Ado about Nothing, Hamlet, The Aviator, Titanic, Schindler’s List, Apocalypse Now, Philadelphia Story, Erin Brockavich, Romeo&Juliet (Leonardo DiCaprio in medieval rapping style!!), Gone in 60 Seconds, Empire of the Sun, Dead Man Walking, anything w/ Sean Penn, Nicholas Cage, Robert Duvall, Sean Connery, Matt Damon, Denzel Washington, Jude Law, Cate Blanchette, Kristen Scott Thomas, Ray/Ralph Fiennes, (The English Patient) , Angelina Jolie, Richard Gere, Ming Na Wen, Jennifer Connolly, Russell Crowe in ****A Beautiful Mind, ***Cinderella Story, & anything else he’s been in… Jerry MacGuire & Bridget Diaries w/ Renee Zellweiger, Lucy Liu, Michelle Yeoh, Pierce Brosnan, World Is Not Enough; Terry Hatcher, Eva Longoria, etc.,.. Thandie Newton in MI3. w/ Tom Cruise. Ben Kingsley (plays Ghandi really well), Yul Brynner, Charles Heston,– in the classic religious-themed epic “10 Commandments”..Gone with the Wind,

So, as U can see I like films alot, & looking at them w/ much thought &
consideration & reflection afterwards….i like to write, I’m creative, I
like reading a bit so I am pretty much a cerebral type… not into useless
activities like drinking or anything else that doesn’t serve to elevate my
spirit… Oh & I grew to like “A Streetcar named Desire”, the original B&W
film. So I have a fun, bubbly side as well as the serious, mature tastes
that we may share & possibly have in common.?

(After requesting detailed descriptions and photos of every room in the
apartment, the floor it is located on, the size of the building and the
surrounding neighborhood, the potential roommate turns her attention to the kitchen:)

BONUS: If you’re willing to negotiate on the rent price & be flexible, I’ll
DO ALL of your dishes, making sure kitchen counter areas are clean, &
germ-free, tables w/ place mats clean/cleared, & fold all of your laundered
clothes {after they’re already washed — basic wash done.,. {by your laundry service or by you? well — maybe I could help out here a lil’ sometimes as an Assistant once in a blue moon, too.. } / For sure, as finicky as I can be, I can fold them really well, AFTER they’re picked up/received back from the cleaners?} 🙂 {I’m very domesticated & PLUS a worldly sophisticate!!! Triple threat “Miss Clean”/aka Nice/Quiet & Open-minded w/ regards to the world’s issues…

I’m VERY VERY good w/ the kitchen areas as I love keeping the kitchen in
*tip top shape,

(And then she gets really, really specific:)

Just pls provide the ***non-allergenic or hypo-allergenic cleaning agents
& sponges & dishrags,, ! & I’ll be happy to do the work {in the kitchen,
etc..}… I have a few allergies so… need to be be careful that’s all…

(And now, some questions for Mauricio:)

Routine:: schedule w/ bathroom hrs, etc.. WHat are your work hrs like- & what times in the morning do U need the bathroom by? I am kindly flexible w/ bathroom time in the mornings so,. U can have it first if U need it, except if I need it in emergency… {esp. PMS intervals..} . hahaha!!! Oh, Did I mention that I have a P/T sense of humor ?? 🙂

(No. What time does your sense of humor go to work?)

WHat time in the evenings — do U need the kitchen for — OR== Do you not cook at home much, or eat out alot, or never really at home at all??

So, What are your general hobbies, routines, social schedule like- Do u keep the party outside? Do u invite ppl over for dinners, or casual/ or formal “get- togethers” >> more than 1x per wk,, or Less.. ? I don’t generally like to have too many ppl or foot traffic over.. I like
to keep the party OUTSIDE. Too many ppl means making a mess + too much noise, . so… I don’t like having to put too much labor into cleaning up after ppl except I Don’t mind it for ppl I am living with that I know really
well.. I like to read alot, commit some serious time to studying in solitude,
appreciate the quiet & am low key at home, like my TV shows as well!!

ANyway, I am a, for sure, easy going roomate/co-habitant/ who will be
dynamic, supportive of shared communal homely needs, & conversational enough to make for a great friend/compatriot in the long run anyway I think ….but if U like & need your personal space & me –vice versa,,, that’s fine as well..

Don’t’ stop the music…

I am into music as well- having had experience performing in band &
orchestra while in HS… Also, I like Mariah Carey type pop stuff, so… Would love to hear about your interests in music… Loved Adam Lambert on American Idol… he is far out unique & different. Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Bon Jovi, I love old time voices as well as new age stuff. Enya, Kitaro, whatever else emerging there is of which U may know more about & have access to?!!
Like Whitney Houston, Madonna, Pattie LaBelle, Jonie Mitchell, Arnie
Guthrie, Simon & Garfunkel, Duran Duran, Lionel Ritchie, Anita Baker, Roy Orbison, temptations, Disco stuff, Bee gees, Broadway musicals, Many of the songs from original Grease, Phantom of Opera, Les Miserables, Rent… Chorus Line, Loved the techno stuff too…Stone Temple Pilots, GreenDay, Phil Collins, Snow Patrol, Sum41, lots of new songs from the WPIX channel for the shows of Gossip Girl & One Tree Hill, & Smallville (Superman series on thurs
nite.8pm), etc….& Supernatural.. They DO a great job at bringing in new music through these very “happening” shows…

LET me know..!
Email me back w/ your interest & contact info… Thanks.

(Just when you thought it was over:)

— Feel free to leave ,me a msg back.. describing the place..& when is the
latest I can call U back at… if we can arrange time… just wanted to know HOW large is the bedroom/ROOM size? What FLOOR are U
on? What is the direction that the windows are facing? — To the front of
building– of the main entrance or to the back yard? Or the side alley??
Is it bigger than 12×15 or larger or smaller? Extra Storage Space? What is already inside or included in the bedroom? Any furniture or stuff left
behind? Like a bed- full or Queen size, Or should/can I bring my own bed? or nightstand, any bureau, or armoire, or chest of drawers, Any book shelf outside in the hall/:Livingroom? or inside the bedrm, or shelves for my use for books, etc.,.? , or should i bring my own?

Any office/table/desk areas already there– for computer use?
Anything like wardrobe closet or extra mobile closet or closets outside in
the hallways for use? What street is the bedroom window facing– ? Outside the street front/ main entrance area? or is it w/. views of the rear- back of the building?

Any cameras in the lobby area or safety is good around there?
Pls do include the address, cross streets, THANKS!

Feel free to write+ leave me a msg, w/ all details as well..

Pls let me know when u’ll have some time to show the place, & meet up…& state your address, name, etc.. & tell me more about what you do for work, & what kind of hrs do U keep, when U need the bathrm by in the mornings, at nite, etc,, I would make for an excellent roomie, & be very accomodating w/ the helping out around the home, etc./. pls leave me your full names, etc, referencing this ad, w/ the full address, + cross sts & how to get there from which train stop, etc,.& descriiption of the space, the BR, the extra closets for personal use, any backyard for use/ to sit in??

ANy TV in the bR or full-Queen size bed inside??