Usually we’re all, “blar, we’ve been living here 100 years and we don’t need an audio tour,” even in museums where we don’t know shit about shit, but here’s something we might actually do: cell-phone audio commentary on city landmarks, performed by local celebrities. For example, “Yoko Ono introduces Strawberry Fields,” says the Times, while “Whoopi Goldberg talks about Wollman Rink, where she learned to ice skate.” The article lists the phone number (646-862-0997) and the buttons you push to get George C. Wolfe on Bethesda Fountain (he directed Angels in America, get it? Dial 5), Tea Leoni on the Ladies’ Pavilion (she’s a lady, get it? Dial 19), etc. “You don’t look like a tourist necessarily,” says the President of the Central Park Conservancy. “You can pretend you are talking on the phone.”
We like it! We’ll take it! And we look forward to seeing this played out in locations all over the city, For example:
• Donald Trump on Times Square (“Across the street. New Amsterdam Theater. Believe it or not, people used to watch pornographic movies in here. Now they watch Mary Poppins. Very classy, impressive, upscale, and successful. Though personally I think it needs more chrome”).
• Rudolph Giuliani on Tompkins Square Park (“The bastards never knew what hit ’em”).
• Harvey Keitel on Flatbush Avenue (“Okay, you keep your fuckin’ eyes open, you hear me? Don’t let these fuckers get ahead of you. Because they will kill you. Okay, now look, but don’t stare. They think you’re staring at ’em, they’re gonna fuck you up, my man. Okay. Over to your right, that’s Bklyn Larder. They got a lotta nice cheeses”).