Real Schoolkids of the Upper East Side is back for a second episode. Can it possibly live up to the wonderfulness that was the pilot? To recap, last week, we were introduced to six rich and not nearly attractive enough brats who are either barely or not yet legal: Kelli, a 16-year-old aspiring singer who lives sans parents on the UES; her less-pretty but way smarter friend Camille; PC, an arrogant, hunky, and somewhat astute senior; his mannish, fashion-obsessed best friend and on-again-off-again love Jessie; long-haired 16-year-old playboy Sebastian; and quiet social climber from the Upper West Side, Taylor.
After last week’s failed date with Kelli and Camille leading to a heart-to-heart with his linebacker-bodied flirt-partner Jessie about how he just doesn’t know what he wants in a girl, PC is met by aggressive indifference (“You’re not my boyfriend, I don’t care who you get with,” says Jessie). PC calls Jessie a bitch and gets slapped in the face while they make eyes at each other over what appears to be Coke and grape juice. Following this encounter, PC meets with a cavalcade of women that should really be referred to SWISH. First up is his therapist, to whom he admits that he has feelings about himself that are hard to articulate. But then he says he hates people who cry over losing eyeliner. So it’s still hard to know for sure about him. Next, he has a drink with his ex Amanda, a blonde Hooters waitress-type, which may have made him late to go shopping for charity with Jessie in a segment that can double as a drinking game for the number of times they plug Operation Smile or that Jessie calls PC an asshole. Then, PC walks with his friend Sarah to talk about his girl-troubles. Sarah tells PC she’s going to set him up on a blind date. Which he then tells his personal trainer all about. At the blind date–PC is offered a wine list, BTW–the mysterious girl never shows. “I was opening myself up for something different,” says PC, “and it slapped me in the face.” Now try opening up something even more different and, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a nice slap on the ass.
Taylor goes dress shopping with Sebastian in mind and confesses that she sometimes dates public school guys, like her ex who might still be in the picture. Her poor friends coach her on how not to come across like an innocent fool on her date. But no! There’s Sebastian feeding Kelli cupcakes from Magnolia. Oh, deception. Kelli: “I have a weird obsession with cupcakes. Like I like them more than cake.”
Taylor and Sebastian’s date starts out pretty well, with the two conversing in elementary French and lookin’ kinda cute. But when it comes time to order, Taylor’s Sally Albright-level maintenance makes itself known. She’s vegan, and hates salad dressing. How will Sebastian take this news? Great, actually. He kisses her right on the mouth at the end of the night!
Camille, who has been curiously absent until now, invites Kelli to join her at a spa “downtown” (Juvenex is in the ’30s). The girls, in black face (which does not help), take a bath together. They then decide to ambush poor Taylor by inviting her to go shopping and then grilling her on her date. Camille makes a fool of herself, even more so than just by being on this show if that’s possible, but dowdy West-sider Taylor manages to retain some dignity.
Jessie visits her “downtown” (used way too gratuitously on this show) and plus-sized friend Zoe in her loft. Zoe shows Jessie her trannie shoes, and Jessie complains about Kelli and Camille crashing her networking party last week. Zoe says they should just chillax. So downtown.
Meanwhile, everyone in New York (who’s on this show) is getting ready for the Zoe’s party. Duh-rama! Two-faced Kelli and Camille try to talk to Jessie, who brushes them off; then Sebastian arrives to an overly warm welcome by Kelli. But does Taylor see? Doesn’t matter, ’cause Sebastian’s already hitting on new girl Lizzie. (After the best diss of Camille ever: “You have something in your teeth.” She had it coming.) Kelli leaves when Taylor gets there and commands Sebastian’s attention, only to miss the drama of Taylor’s ex Cole showing up. Sebastian orders Taylor to leave with him and they totally make out on the corner.
Preview to next week: More Taylor/Sebastian/Cole love triangle! The death! PC comes out in Mexico!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 1, 2009