A little facial hair, carefully trimmed and sculpted, can be quite appealing and even downright sexy at times. But too many guys misuse their male privilege and use their faces as wayward canvases for unspeakable arrays of glaring hair-don’ts.
The worst offenders have big, flowing beards to throw you off the scent that they’re completely bald. It doesn’t work. They just look like bald guys with beards!
I also can’t stand a beard that flows right into the sideburns, so the face is framed by a hellish circle of fluffy hair that looks either Velcroed on or the result of someone playing with a broken Etch-a-Sketch.
I’m also freaked out by pencil-thin ‘staches, tauntingly minimal hair-scapes that eerily resemble Hitler’s. Are we supposed to be turned on by the heinous and perverse sadism implied? (Don’t answer that.)
But a pert little goatee never gets my goat. In fact, it makes me crazy with glee! Even on a woman!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 2, 2009