What the hell is this? Look up patent number 5,613,432, or turn the page and find the answer at the bottom.
At a certain point in every apartment dweller’s life, the kitchen becomes impossible to use. Many things go wrong–broken burners on the range, an avalanche of stuff falling out cabinet doors, or a refrigerator with phantom stinks that prevent you from opening the door and finding what you want amid the clutter.
But the problem addressed today is kitchen drawers so jammed with useless gadgets and other crap that you can’t even open them. And then when you eventually manage to get it open — by flinging some stuff on the floor, or by reaching through the drawer underneath to remove some obstacle — you finally decide to throw out some useless utensils. After all, you can’t remember where they came from, and you often don’t know what their purpose is.
Here are some useless gadgets that ought to be tossed in the recycling bins.
Egg slicer with broken wires? Either hang it on the wall as art, or throw it away. Use it on an egg, and the egg turns into–not beautiful slices–but a twisted mass of albumen and yolk.
Though you bought this cherry pitter with the best of intentions, you barely buy cherries let alone make anything with them. Anyway, it really doesn’t work with with cherries that are not exactly one size.
This jar opener dates from the days when people bought things in jars, and the jars had a gnurled edge to which the jaws easily attached. Try to use it now, and find yourself the next day strapped to a bed in the insane asylum. But, oh, it sure looks antique-y.
Can you think of some other usage for this apple corer (other than the fun of saying “corer”)? If not, throw it out!
This spaghetti strainer seemed like such a good idea at the time, only, when you try to strain with it, the pasta all falls off back into the cooking water, and, even worse, it takes up oodles of space in the kitchen drawer.
These showy salad tongs would make any hostess proud–except that the arms don’t pull far enough apart to get any more than a single lettuce leaf between them.
Finally, this useless contraption. What it is? A cake server, and not a very good one at that.
Have your own nominees for most useless kitchen gadget? Please tell us so we can avoid them in the future.
Oh, and the gadget on the previous page is an avocado disgorger. Did you guess correctly?
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 6, 2009