If You Couldn’t Live in New York…


First of all, I’m assuming you do live in New York because I have tunnelvision and can only see five feet in front of me. But let’s say you had to move somewhere–anywhere–else. Where aside from NYC could you exist in America and be just as comfy and complacent? I could only perhaps haul my gay ass to Philadelphia or Providence because they have some culture and besides, you can get around those places on a bike (or on bended knee). So I’m including them in the list of choices, which are:

Philadelphia. History, cobblestone streets, Italian restaurants, gay bars, and violence. What more do you want?

Providence. Civilized and arty, it’s ready for you to pounce and help it have a full-scale comeback. And there’s an openly gay mayor who’s not corrupt yet!

Los Angeles. Like to drive? Have a screenplay? Like silicone? Have no soul? Want a terrace? This is your place.

Miami. It was so much fun in the ’90s before it became overrun with the gross crowd, but you can still push your way down Ocean Drive and reminisce, covered in sunblock.

New Jersey. You can get so much more space here for so much less money. The only catch is it’s in New Jersey.