Confessions of a True Life Waiter


On the bitchy gay site datalounge.com, I picked up this rant from a supposedly real-life waitperson venting at all the rude customers and their appalling behavior. Before you ever go out to eat again, you should perhaps read the server’s response to his plight and then sit back and boil yourself a Cup a ‘Noodles.

And so:

“Here are 8 simple rules for dining out that will make everyone’s lives easier:

Rule 1: Don’t snap your fingers at me. I will not respond. It is beyond rude.

Rule 2: My name is NOT ‘Waiter, waiter.’ I politely introduced my name to you when you first sat down. Please remember it. It is also written legibly on my name tag, so please learn to read.

Rule 3: Please do not say you’ll just have water. And if I respond with ‘Would you like sparkling or still water?’ please do not say you’ll just have tap. If you cannot afford to order drinks, you cannot afford to eat out.

Rule 4: Do not order an appetizer as a meal. How cheap can you get?

Rule 4: Do not order just 1 entree and ask me to bring you 2 plates. Way to impress your date, cheapo.

Rule 5: Condense all your requests into one request. Tell me that you need water, napkins, pepper all at once so I can bring them to you all at once. Do NOT call me over 10 times for 10 different things.

Rule 6: I WILL spit in your food. This much is a given. If you can’t live with that, then don’t eat out.

Rule 6: Do not ask me to turn up/down the heat because you are hot/cold. You are not the only person in the restaurant and we cannot just accommodate you. I will just tell you I’ve adjusted the temperature when I actually didn’t do shit.

Rule 7: If you are hot, I WILL hit on you. But my flirting is just for tips, it doesn’t mean I actually want to get in pants. I am a waiter, not a whore.

Rule 7: If you ask me to pack up your leftovers into doggie bags, I WILL eat your food. Don’t be surprised if a lobster claw or rib is missing when you get home.

Rule 8: Do NOT just hand me your credit card before I have even given you your check. It is rude and implies that I am slow. It will not make me close out your bill faster. I will just take your credit card to the back and do some online shopping on my iPhone.

Rule 9: It is unacceptable to tip less than 25% these days, especially in NYC.

Rule 10: Do not ignore me as you walk out of the restaurant. Say ‘Thank you. Good-bye. I’ll come again. See you next time’ or some bullshit, but don’t NOT acknowledge my presence.”

Strong stuff, no? But it’s hard to trust an anonymous satirist–I mean a disgruntled waiter–who promises eight rules and brings you 13. I bet he’d also put a bloody tampon in your strudel.