Well, hello, there, “newspaper” readers of 2029! Hope you’re enjoying this vintage issue, which downloaded automatically to your implanted iWrist monitor after you Googled “ancient porn.” Don’t you feel retro! Anyway, as you know, print media has long been dead (and was even before President Track Palin decided to nuke Midtown West); now you only read misinformed 40-character Tweets on your sweaty appendages, and we hope you’re happy, you vile and insatiable monsters. Just think, you could have saved the media 20 years ago by going to the Paste Magazine Benefit Concert, when terrific local indie electro-rockers ReRedux, Mixel Pixel, and Paul and the Patients banded together to save one of the finest, most movingly sincere music magazines in the country. It’s really too bad you didn’t go to that. It would have made all the difference, you Mylar-wearing futuristic goon.

Sat., July 25, 7 p.m., 2009