New York

How Not To Commit Murder


In light of the slaying of Playboy model Jasmine Fiore and last week’s pursuit of “person of interest” Ryan Jenkins–along with some knowledge culled from other cases in recent memory–I have some suggestions as to how NOT to carry out a murder and think you can get away with it.

*Don’t just strangle the person and leave the body in a suitcase. Someone will find it. (It’s never the police that does so, by the way. It’s usually a dog, a jogger, or, in this case, “a passerby.”)

*Don’t flee afterwards. It makes you look a tad guilty. (Though it worked for O/.J., I guess.)

*Don’t look up chloroform usage on your computer. That kind of thing can be traced. (You hear me, Casey Anthony?)

*Don’t run around telling people you did it, thereby getting word of your guilt all over the media. (A la club kid Michael Alig, who’s still in jail.)

*And don’t give interviews where you refer to your wife–whose body hasn’t been found yet and therefore might still be alive–in the past tense, even if you quickly try to correct yourself. (Got that, Scott Peterson?)

Best idea of all: Don’t do it at all!

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