My Brief Encounter With America’s Dumbest Criminal


En route to a birthday barbecue for my friend Lynn Yaeger in the wilds of Pennsylvania, we stopped at a Perkins Restaurant and Bakery in Philipsburg for some sausages and pancakes. (Relax, I vomited afterwards.)

And we found quite a tasty treat there. Our waiter was Michael Turner, a young and reasonably attractive guy who recognized us from TV and lavished us with compliments in between trying to work us for his own possible career advancement. (He’s sort of a model and has a site with all kinds of shirtless posing in “GQ-style” photos that would also be suitable for HX, if that still existed.)

Well, an intrigued Mickey Boardman–part of our colorful group of slummers–exchanged contact info with Turner, who was as forthcoming about his personal dramas as he’d been with the scrambled eggs. Turner ended up telling Mickey he’d love to come to New York and visit, except that his car had just been impounded! Uh-oh–I knew those abs came with some danger. Even more excitingly bad news came a few days later when the guy texted Mickey, “I just got sent to jail. On my way there. Ten thousand bail. See you when I get out, which will be years from now.”

Yikes! He seemed so nice when he brought us some free muffins! Was he arrested for impersonating a bisexual? Nope–a quick google search revealed that Turner had emailed his community college a bomb threat because he wasn’t quite ready to take the big exam that day! He should have just studied! He had also stolen his ex’s father’s social security number and bank account number to order online porn! I guess that’s what he was busy studying instead of his school books.

Do we know how to find ’em or what?