CC’s fat not just a cool accessory, but also functional


What are the prerequisites for getting “he’s human after all” exemptions? Because there are a lot of stars and legends out there…but only certain people get this said about them with some degree of frequency. I think everybody should only get one.

Like, from birth. You don’t assume anyone (or anything) is human until he/she/it does something that warrants the “ahh, turns out he IS human” eureka moment. But you can’t waste it. I mean, save it for something that removes all shadow of doubt whether or not they’re human. And once you experience this watershed moment, that’s it. You’re done with the mock shock over his human status.

Mo doesn’t blow many saves. Almost never. But it happens. Unless you started watching baseball 2 months ago, you already know Mo’s indeed a homosapien. The only people who are pronounced human more than Mariano Rivera are Obama and Tiger Woods. Google “he’s human” and see how decidedly mortal Woods is. Of course, there are other people like Lance Armstrong and Breckin Meyer who have taken it upon themselves to preemptively assert it. Some might call this the woman doth protest too much.

(I don’t know why, but the Armstrong headline cracked me up. It sounds like he confessed to some dastardly crime or something.)

That said, the whole lot of human Yankees beat the Mariners a day after Ichiro “Cinco-Uno” Suzuki killed us with his long ball walk off. And as I expected, they teed off on Doug “I have a couple ideas about why I’m not married” Fister, tagging him for 6 runs in 9 hits over 4 innings.

Fister’s basically good for one thing and that is my amusement. I learned today that he was originally drafted out of high school by the Yankees, but went to college instead. He’s thinking, Dammit there goes my chance to not have my name splayed across my backside. Everyone else is thinking, Dammit there goes our chance to have him start next to Wang in the rotation.

I think the kid’s really gonna have to consider pulling a Joba and inventing pitches to put in his arsenal because a muted pair of tosses isn’t gonna scare anyone. I don’t think his “sinking fastball” would scare my cat.

What DID scare me, my cat, and probably every Yankee fan watching the game, was the terrifying, heart-stopping, color-draining-from-your-face blow that went down in the 5th. The Yanks are cruising along 6-0, in the wake of Tex’s 3-run ding in the 4th. Then Franklin Gutierrez made time stop by lining drilling a bullet right back into CC.

It all happened in a nanosecond, and I’m not kidding when I say the season flashed before me. You spend enough time as a fan, and you see your share of teams disintegrating at the hands of one player’s ill fate. Jeter, ARod, Girardi, and the trainer were at their ace’s side almost instantly, and you could see Fatso casually shrugging it off and nodding like a bobble head doll with many rubbery neck rolls, that he’s fine, no big. Whatev.

Next pitch: 96 mph fastball.

He let up one run that inning, when Gutierrez scored on an Arod error. And that was the last time a Mariner would cross homeplate that night.

Then: 2 more scoreless innings, retires last 7 batters he faces, finishes with 8Ks.

He predicted a “big bruise” which is about on par with the “Princess and the Pea” getting bruised with pea 10 mattresses below her.

God bless ya, you big animal. I think you’ve finally made me a believer in the “fat is beautiful” school of thought.

(I’m sorry, but CC Sabathia’s “build,” per se, will get old for me around the same time that beirut, “that’s what she said,” and this video do. He’s really less of a major league pitcher and more of a cartoon. And as such, really should be getting some kind of sound effects when he’s taking the mound.)

Sabathia has now won the last 8 decisions, and the Yanks have won the last 10 starts of his, making Tubbo the first AL-er with 18 wins and joins Adam Wainwright as the only arms in the league with that many. In his last start, he got the W, but recorded only 1 K, which I maintain he did out of spite, punishing me for forgetting to start him in fantasy earlier in the week (where he naturally put 10Ks in the book). We’re even now, Round Boy.*

The Yanks defense was just as stunning as their starter’s. They look good. They know what they’re doing, and they’re not giving anything up. Cano made a play in the bottom of the 7th to grab a sizzling grounder up the middle. Excellent fielding position to even enable him to make the backhanded snag, and even more outstanding zipped toss across his body to first. The next play, Jeter did the exact same thing on the opposite side of the field.

Yeah, no range on that SS. Overrated big time. If only he could be more like Dustin Pedroia.

Tex proves once against that he’s the greatest 1B since sliced bread.

So, so close to hitting for the cycle for the 2nd time in his career. But he’s so good that when he needed a double, all he could come up with was a long ball. And the Yankees are so awesome that when he came back to the dugout after going yard for the 2nd time in the game, they were all yelling, “OVERACHIEVER!!” which is endearing and adorable on many levels. Could this be the “I guess the Yankees are human after all” moment? I think I wanna save it.

Hideki’s the man who broke out of the tie with his blast in the 4th. Said shot hasn’t landed yet.

As a team, they were HAND OVER FIST more patient at the plate tonight, seeing 164 pitches compared the 104 they saw last night. Mercifully, Jose Molina was out of the lineup in favor of Francisco Cervelli who’s really, really good. But more than his sharp bat, I like the kid’s instincts behind the plate.

He’s extremely quick and he is fantastic at selling pitches. He’s not moving in on Posada any time soon, but I really like having the Ital in our system. And it was nice having someone behind the plate tonight who didn’t think calling 2 straight fastballs in a row in the 9th with 2 outs, was a good idea.

Relief efforts were up to snuff tonight. Bruney was all excited about his new #99 jersey, which looks ridiculous on him. Jonathan Abadlasjdoaks [sic] got the save, and the Yanks are looking to win the series tomorrow.

My favorite part of the game may have been any number of things that happened in the 7th inning where the booth had officially reached, “So, can we wrap this up yet?” status. Since they had long tired of the game, we were treated to:

  • A shot of some chick pressed up against the bullpen gate chatting up Phil Coke who looked like a nonchalant badass the whole time.
  • A clip of Phil Coke’s 6 month old nephew crawling around Safeco field with his Coke jersey on.
  • Oh, and David Cone asserting that there is more than one Carlos Silva in the world. One who plays for the Mariners. And who does their radio broadcasts. I have no idea why Ken Singleton and Coney got such a kick out of this.

Their AL lead stays at 6, their magic number down to 9. But the number to clinch a playoff spot in 2. So technically the Yanks could get it tomorrow, but that’s really immaterial, since the goal is not to just get in, it’s to get in with the best positioning possible. And for the Yankees, more so than ever, that means locking up Home Field Advantage.

As for the rest of our pitching, Andy’s ready to go again. (In the first of the Anaheim series. Out of the frying pan…) And because the Yankees have some kind of weird Pitcher Complexity fetish, Ian Kennedy may or may not be thrown in the rotation.

Yes, I think now is the perfect time to have a guy fresh off the DL to come back and start pitching for us. And by that, I mean I’m pretty sure I think this makes about as much sense as adding Jaime Lee Curtis to the bullpen. Until David Robertson’s back, of course.

Hey, so it’s almost 6am now. How hard would be it to get the games moved up to 1:00 over there? I mean, wouldn’t that make more sense than pushing their times 3 hours ahead. If you can wake up at 10am to watch Sunday Football, 1pm should be no problem.


*After his 1K game, CC said, “I was just trying to do whatever I could to get outs and get the team back in the dugout.” The evidence is really mounting for my theory that he works so efficiently to get back to the dugout where he make quick work of a whole chicken in between innings. Especially since he seems to constantly be wiping his hands on his stomach as if to clear off the grease. Whatever works, CC.