Cow-Molesting Cop Gets Off


Don’t ever say with don’t do anything for you.

A New Jersey cop caught sexually molesting cows won’t be charged with animal cruelty.

Robert Melia Jr. is accused of sexually assaulting three young girls back in 2008, but during that investigation, cops stumbled onto a video in his home that reportedly showed him putting his penis in the mouths of five cows. (In Jersey, this is known as “Saturday Night.”)

The problem is that, as alluded to above and not the least bit surprisingly, there’s nothing technically against the law about performing sex acts on Jersey cows. Not “Jersey cows,” but, you know, cows in Jersey — you get the picture.

The judge in the case, James J. Morley, just before going home and beginning an inevitable slide into full-blown alcoholism, ruled that there was no way to tell if the cows Melia was molesting were in fact being “tormented.” Yes, you heard that correctly. Who’s to say they didn’t like it?

“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,'” Judge Morley explained, instantly winning the award for the most disturbing thing anyone’s said ever.

Prosecutors, on the other hand, argue that Melia’s actions were a “crime against nature.”

Enjoy your cereal.

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