CC Sabathia’s Fat should really get its own spot on the roster. His supreme girth is so poetic that I’d be okay with him sitting next to me on the subway and taking up 2 seats. Not only did it save him from a potential serious injury last week, but it’s so cartoonish in nature, and juxtaposed with such an otherwordly agility and talent, that I can’t help but be enamored every time he sloppily fumbles to the mound.
In honor of his start today against the Red Sox’s Dice-K, I present what his coming out song really should be (though his current selection is pretty outstanding, as well).
CC. GOT. GUT.
(to the tune of “Baby Got Back”)
I like C.C. and I cannot lie,
You other fans can’t deny,
When he takes the mound, and he’s throwing down, a fastball down the pipe,
You get SPRUNG,
Gonna go all game,
Cuz those pitches packing flames.
Deep in the game he’s playing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop saying,
“Oh, CC I wanna just win one,
I don’t care you weigh a ton.”
My fantasy league tried to tell me,
That gut you got will get you shelled, C.
Ooh love that slider,
You say you wanna get in the Bronx,
Well, strike 3, strike 3, cuz you aint that average fatty.
I’ve seen your changeup,
To hell with your flub.
Ks, ERA, who cares how much you weigh?
I’m tired of magazines,
Saying thin arms are the things,
Take the average Yank fan and ask him that,
Starter’s gotta pack much fat.
So Bombers, (yeah!) Bombers (yeah!)
Has your pitcher got the pounds (nom nom!)
Well throw it, throw it, throw it, throw it, throw that porker heat,
CC. GOT. GUT.