The $23,619,047 Pitching Match-Up


Today’s afternoon game pits the fattest human being alive CC Sabathia (18-7, 3.31) against the biggest waste of money in the world Daisuke Matsuzaka (3-5, 6.80).

The Yankees took Game 1 last night, after teeing off on Jon Lester, who got a break (not literally) when a line drive off Melky Cabrera’s bat took him out of commission. But not before letting up 8 hits, throwing 78 PITCHES, and giving up 4 runs.

Where’s the 3-headed playoff rotation beast now, Red Sox Nation?

The Yankees need a sweep if they want to win the opportunity to celebrate the division title right in front of the Sox. Otherwise they need to wait til they arrive in Kansas City, which seems a little anticlimactic. The Sox, on the other hand, are oddly chomping at the bit to “go crazy” upon clinching the Wild Card. Which is like throwing a parade over winning the perfect attendance award or something.

“That’s how we roll here,” said Ortiz. “You know that. We don’t panic. If you hit the panic button, it just gets worse, right? You have to try put whoever you play against away right now. That’s how it is, especially at this time.”

If I were Ortiz, I’d probably keep my f’n mouth shut. He has a bit of a tendency to call his inner-Curt Schilling to mind when he spouts out ill-advised arrogance that later bites in his aggravatingly juiced up ass.

Dice-K falls into the same silo as the rest of the Red Sux, as an annoying little bitch who needs to stop playing into Boston’s desperate perpetuation of their blue-collar persona, and needs to spend more time pitching.

The first time I ever saw him pitch was at Fenway, where he wasted approximately zero seconds before drilling ARod with a fastball. Of course, 35,000+ fans erupted in rallying support of the latest addition to their beanballing squad. (Were these the same fans that got all up in arms when NYC erupted in kind over Tom Brady’s fall? Hard to say…)

Dice-K was touted a few years ago as having a revolutionizing new pitch called the gyroball. Whatever happened to that? Does he still throw that? The Yanks as a team don’t struggle too much against this “I COULD go 8 innings. If I wanted to. But I’m tired” pitcher, barring ARod who’s 1-12 with 5Ks.

Once again, I wouldn’t be averse in any sense of the word to seeing ARod punish these animals and put the Yankees one game away from clinching the division.