¡Ask a Mexican! Canada Goosed


Dear Mexican: As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for about 17 years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren. Nevertheless, I’m for border security—against the no-good, godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold weather—ha! Why is America not closing the Canadian border? Those bunch of hockey-playin’, maple syrup–eatin’ hijos de putas should take responsibility for the atrocities they have committed against good, God-fearin’ American folks—Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, among others. Where does the humanity begin and hopelessness end? I expect that the Canadian-American War may begin at any moment, and I can hardly wait to bitch slap a non-O-pronouncin’ mawfucka. —El Commandante de Cinco Estrellas de los Chulos del Mundo

Dear Five-Star Commander of the World’s Handsome Men: I will not stand by idly while you denigrate an entire race. How can anyone hate Canadians? Such simple people who let Mexicans steal their precious Wave, thereby eliminating one of the few contributions they’ve made to world culture besides hockey, comedians, and Lennox Lewis? Besides, those snowheads and their pleasant ways always ask the Mexican questions about his hermanos despite the relative dearth of wabs in Canada (the swarthy hated folks in the Great White Norte are the Pakis, I do believe. Or Newfoundlanders. I forget). We know why our northern border is largely unprotected: no Mexicans on the other side. Besides, why are you trying to antagonize the last, best hope in North America? My Canadian peers: Ignore this pinche puto pendejo baboso. The Mexican nation worships ustedes like the gabacho gods you are. All hail to the hoja de arce!

I’ve been together with my Mexican boyfriend for over three years. However, at the beginning, I had problems getting along with my prospective mother-in-law, and now that I’ll get to meet the mother of my mother-in-law, it seems as if things might get rougher with her. I try my best, but it never seems good enough. What should I do? I also have difficulties understanding why mi novio is looking forward to scaring the first boy that approaches his young sister. Por favor tell me how to seduce la familia! —Saludos Desde Quebec, Canada!

Dear Facebook Friend: I’ve answered this question before—go through the ¡Ask a Mexican! archives in my book for further consultation. One major point I forgot to explicar only because it’s so obvious—but for you Canadians, I’ll explain slowly—is that in Mexican culture, the mother is queen, and the grandmother is empress: even more regal, more difficult, more beautiful, and more terrifying. Proceed with caution—tell her she looks like María Félix, but DON’T mention the old-age home or the prodigal son who’s only going to show up when she dies to claim his part of an abandoned casa in the rancho.

Ask the Mexican at,, or, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

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