You’d think we’d get a bit of a respite today. A welcome, much needed off day. I’m not talking about the players. I’m referring to the fans.
Theoretically, New Yorker supporters should be able to enjoy the pressure-free expanse of a playoff-less day. If the Twins thought they had it rough having to travel to the Evil Empire’s lair after an extra-innings nailbiter, then think about how bad it is for Yankee fans who have to follow up a postseason game with the standard bouts of combating haters.
As my buddy once wrote in an email: “You certainly didn’t choose the easy route when you elected to become an online superhero defending all things pinstripe. You should at least get free fountain drinks for all the hard work.”
No rest for the weary, I tell ya. Now it’s time to temporarily shift my focus away from my beloved Yankees and towards the embittered ire of, well, every other baseball fan. Giddy up.
Really, Minnesota? Really?
Is that how you wanna play it? Cuz I’ll play it like that. I’ll play it like Lionel Richie, baby. All night long.
The scrappy little Twins Our cohorts at our cousin publication have decided to condense their laundry list of New York grievances into a “10 Things I Hate About the Yankees” missive.
(My personal favorite reasons are Joe Torre and Chuck Knoblauch. Which is like refusing to go to Europe because of Jack the Ripper.)
Sigh. Oh, midwesterners. Your fluffy derision isn’t as hard-hitting when it’s batting against the seasonsed Bronx. Maybe flapping your arms about the Yankee payroll is Minneapolis’ way of spitting vitriol, but, like your boys last night, you don’t know what you’re up against.
Yeah, I can’t even do it.
I think Minny needs to take shadow Queens or Boston for a year to really get a sense of what true contempt and unmitigated Yankee-hate is all about. I mean, look at it from my perspective. I spend the entire season fielding ire from fanbases who had made a living off of obsessing over the Yankees. Those fans? Professional.
Every time they sling the unassailably cunning “Yankees suck!” jabs at me, they really give me something to think about. That breed of committment and refined ire is something honed over years and years of inferiority. Minnesota fans are biting off a little more than they can chew by trying to jump right into the trashtalking fray. Baby steps, Minny. Baby steps.
I even hit up my White Sox-fan buddy for insights on how you beat up on the Twins. “Hard to hate on them. Ozzie always gives them props.”
And this alone may be insulting enough. The Minnesota Twins have the stamp of approval from the frontrunner for “GM Most Likely to Create a Need in the MLB for Section 8 Clauses.”
Actually, based on last night’s post-game interview, your boy Gardenhire may be taking a page from the Joe Maddon-Ozzie Guillen-Billy Martin Guide to Managerial Mania. After astutely nothing that he “thinks the best way to describe our team is there’s a bunch of baseball players,” he gives us this gem:
Q. Ron, after the game last night, Orlando Cabrera said that he told you that he was your lucky charm and that you guys were going to be beat the Tigers. I wonder what you thought about when he said that, and, secondly, did he say whether or not that power carries through this series too?
GARDENHIRE: You would have to ask Orlando. I didn’t understand a word he said he was talking so fast.
Apparently there’s some kind of week long Cabrera Family Booze Cruise going on. Miguel. Orlando. Hope our boy Melky missed that boat.
“Well, there’s always the obvious shit-talking point of the Metrodome,” suggests the ChiSox buddy.
“The Yanks are .666 lifetime in the dome.”
“Ok, I got nothing then.”
Forunately, I do have something. But unlike your “10 Things I Hate About You” list, I don’t need that many pitches to get through an inning.
3 up, 3 down…
1. Your biggest celebrity endorsers are Brandon and Brenda Walsh from 90210.
2. Your hockey team is both named after an abstract concept and doesn’t even have a singular (or plural, I guess) form of the word.
3. You DON’T buy your team.
The late Carl Pohlad was the wealthiest owner in the game. Not Steinbrenner. Your long-time top dog was one of the richest men in the country, estimated to be worth $3.1 billion. There is absolutely NO REASON to have that much money in Minnesota unless you’re lavishing it on a baseball team. What was he saving up for? A couple thousand more bodies of water?
* * *
See ya soon, Twinks. And don’t worry. In some circles, being a paled version of everything is probably an asset.
Read 2009 Baseball Throwdown coverage for Boston Red Sox, St. Louis Cardinals, Minnesota Twins, Colorado Rockies, Los Angeles Dodgers, and Anaheim Angels.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on October 8, 2009