Tina Fey (pictured) reveals that she “couldn’t give it away” — meaning her virginity — when she was a young lass, prompting respected journalistic organization ABC News to run a slide show of “Stars’ Sexperiences.”
You would imagine these Sexperiences would be calculated to include similarly self-debasing confessions, so us little people would feel better about ourselves and them (See, he was a nerd just like me! There is hope!) But the round-up of fan mag blather just shows that Hollywood publicists have stopped trying to endear their clients to the hoi polloi, and just allow them to pump their sexy egos in public. Maybe they’re not paid enough?..
Some stars do weigh in with sexual regrets of a sort. Li’l Wayne, who claims to have been uncherried at age 11, wishes he’d gotten to bang Marilyn Monroe. “I wish I had just gotten it over with in the beginning,” sighs Brooke Shields, who was not offered the gift of deflowerment until age 22. Matthew McConaughey admits to being confused by Playboy and having trouble finding the vagina. You’re our hero, Matt.
“I’ve actually never been taken on a date in my whole life,” says… Sienna Miller. She adds, “I have never had a one-night stand.” Yet in a second slide she admits having sex at 16, presumably via bundling arranged by her Quaker parents.
For the most part, though, the stars go in for bragging. Some mention the odd times and locations in which they like to have sex, which may leave overworked movie-watchers with children feeling left out. Hot actresses wave meat in front of the media cage: “I have much better orgasms now than when I was 22,” says Halle Berry, “because I know what I like”; Megan Fox says, “I have the libido of a teenage boy.” Gentlemanly Wilmer Valderrama boasts of nailing Mandy Moore, Pete Wentz of banging Ashlee Simpson.
The first one of these stars to be pictured heartbrokenly pounding boilermakers at 3 a.m. and moaning, “I guess I just wasn’t good enough, I’m really kind of an asshole” will be quickly named the new Box Office King or Queen.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on October 15, 2009