Supermarket Sweep: Rachael Ray Spotted in Gristede’s Impersonating a Chicken


How hard can it be to boil eggs? Some customers prefer to have it done for them.

What with buying food at farmers markets, cheese shops, butchers, and specialty grocery stores, it’s rare for me to step inside a supermarket. When I do, it’s usually to buy staples like baking soda and toilet paper, then get the hell out. Well, last weekend, I took a cruise through the Gristede’s at Sheraton Square. The place was labyrinthine, and I was surprised by some of the products I found. The Age of Foodism has had a profound effect on the neighborhood supermarket–but not always in the ways you might have expected.

The boiled eggs weirded me out. Is it worth paying twice as much to buy your eggs peeled? It also means that your eggs have been unprotected by the shell for an indeterminate amount of time, and that the very provenance of the eggs is uncertain. I was also amazed at the growth of processed vegetarian foods, with many shelves devoted to vegetarian hot dogs (with ingredient lists as long as your arm), vegetarian barbecue, and fat-free processed American cheese repackaged to seem like health food. The cheese was oddly touted as “All Veggie,” and “Melts Great!” I’ll bet.

Meat simulacra proliferate in the aisles, for vegetarians who want their vegetables to look like meat.

Supermarkets are still all about convenience. Not only the convenience of doing all your shopping in one place, but also the convenience provided by processed foods. As I stood in the checkout line, most people had at least one or two frozen meals, and a whole slew of processed foods of one sort or another. A few seemed to be health-food shoppers, their carts filled with low-fat this and high fiber that, along with processed foods that touted high levels of omega fatty acids, promised to improve your brain power, or made other spurious health claims. In fact, there seemed to be a pharmaceutical bent to many of the products.

Next: More semi-frightening products


You know how, when you go to an Italian restaurant there’s a saucer of olive oil to dip your bread in instead of butter? And sometimes the oil has some balsamic, or sea salt, or herbs intended to make it more “flavorful.” Well, this product, for the truly clueless, provides a little packet of dried herbs and a little saucer, then all you have to do is rustle up the olive oil!

This deeply disturbing product–which evokes John Lennon’s song “Imagine”–is a cousin of the canned brown gravy that good cooks scourged from the kitchen long ago. Now it returns in organic guise, and has the term “organic” ever been so abused? It’s the same old crap, right?

This boxed chicken broth has a picture of a chicken on the box. No, wait, that’s Rachael Ray, inviting us to dive into her cleavage. Could she be more over-merchandised? She should be teaching her zombie-like followers to make their own chicken broth, but she’d rather squeeze money out of them like toothpaste from a tube.