Don’t you just find complete and utter destruction of life as you know it totally sexy? Admit it, your DVD of The Day After Tomorrow has treasured placement in your collection alongside Deep Throat. You fantasize about the horny cannibals in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Isn’t there a reason every generation thinks it will be the last? The End of Days, the side-of-the-road carnage, the decimation of cities, the death of millions, the washing away of our sins once and for all—like porn, we just can’t look away.
Good news for annihilation-voyeurs. If the Mayans, Nostradamus, the I Ching, and Woody Harrelson are correct, the world should be coming to an end on or about the winter solstice of 2012. And if you needed any more proof that New York is the center of the universe, the future of our city, too, is tied to that year—the sexual future, that is.
“We’re due for an upheaval of our sexual values,” says Kat Long, a journalist and historian who penned The Forbidden Apple: A Century of Sex & Sin in New York City (Ig Publishing). Historically, Long found, there have been cycles in the development of sexuality in the city led by either liberal or conservative forces. Which force has control is often linked to the economy: “In the ’30s, we had a horrible economic climate leading to a wholesale return to religion, which itself affected a return to morality. On the other hand, New York in the ’70s is symbolic of how bad things can get when there’s not enough money for cops, street cleaning, garbage collection, or the upkeep of regular, orderly life. We had a sexual revolution facilitated by this lack of oversight. It was an exciting time.”
In the prosperous ’90s and pre-crash ’00s, the conservatives maintained the upper hand. Sex became as commoditized as vacant land in Williamsburg, with straight suburbanites supporting the once-subversive burlesque scene, the law scrutinizing sex-related businesses, and Disney redesigning Times Square. But change is coming: “In my research, I noticed that the shift between conservative and liberal attitudes about sexuality happens every 30 to 40 years,” Long says. By her estimate, the next liberal redefinition of New York’s sexuality could occur as soon as—you guessed it—2012.
In the interest of arming New Yorkers against the impending doom and sexual free-for-all that is upon us, we are providing you with guidelines for creating your own Apocalyptic Sex Preparedness Kit, culled from the erotic boutiques of New York City. These, of course, take into consideration the possibility of survival; there may be new atmospheric conditions, a need for repopulation, and a love story that develops as you battle aliens/volcanoes/nuclear winter or what-have-you. Because when the end is here, we expect you’ll be shacking up for one last thrill—like we will.
Step 1: Identify which apocalypse you will be shtupping through.
Global warming: Silicone dildos can only withstand so much. Consider a conductive material such as stainless steel: The 24-ounce Pure Wand ($108) holds heat (and cold) better than other dildos in Babeland‘s (43 Mercer Street, 212-966-2120, babeland.com) collection, and could even survive a lava flow. But the Pyrex Archer Wand ($55), like an oven casserole dish, cools more quickly.
Melting of polar ice caps: A stylish rubber outfit is in order. Visit DeMask (144 Orchard Street, 212-466-0814, demask.com) for pieces combining waterproof practicality and easy access to your parts, like a mock-turtleneck leotard with “zip nipples” ($465). Please note that if flooding is joined by fire, it’s best to avoid highly flammable latex.
Computers taking over: According to the Times, a group of leading artificial-intel scientists met this year to discuss the alarming potential of computers seizing control. Although then, on the bright side, there’d be an endless supply of power sources for the pink plastic USB-charged Lelo Mia vibrator ($59.95) from Pleasure Chest (156 Seventh Avenue South, 212-242-2158, thepleasurechest.com). Machines have already taken over Babeland: Front and center is the SaSi by JeJoue ($185), a rechargeable, water-resistant, customizable “intelligent vibrator” that “knows what you want.” Creepy.
Warfare: If it comes down to a last sword battle, protect yourself with a Chain-Mail Bikini ($64.99) from Tic Tac Toe (161 West 4th Street, 212-462-0019, tictactoeny.com) or a Chain Mail Headdress ($89.99) from Pink Pussycat Boutique (167 West 4th Street, 212-243-3380, pinkpussycat.com). The naughty party store also carries a helmet of armor, which, at $600, seems just plain unrealistic. Not so. “More are coming,” says the shopkeeper. “I already sold two.”
Aliens invading: Basically, you’re screwed.
Step 2: Pack sustenance.
Starvation and thirst are insurmountable, unless you stock up at New York Fetish (74 Christopher Street, 212-243-2991). Their Peach Edible Crotchless Undies (“Low Carb! Great Taste!” $9.99) and Kandy Undies and Bra ($14.95 each) should hold you over, while Mini Titty Candles ($9.99) provide the ambience. Pink Pussycat carries six flavors of Sex Water. At $4.95 a bottle, these erotic spins on Vitamin Water promise to prolong your stamina or replenish you after sex. Get dessert at high-end boutique Kiki de Montparnasse (79 Greene Street, 212-965-8150, kikidm.com). Their Chocolate Sauce L’Amour is all natural ($25).
Step 3: Always be prepared.
Just because the future of humanity is in your pants doesn’t mean you get a free pass to commingle au naturale. Pick up a packet of ultra-thin Kimono condoms ($5) from Kiki de Montparnasse; a set of three comes in an elegant paper box adorned with the words “This is thy sheath.” And remember, portability is key. Babeland carries Door Jam Cuffs ($30), which staffer Shannon says are perfect for “easy bondage on the run. They’re great for car windows.” The most economic quickie comes in the form of Durex’s Play Massagers ($14.59–$19.99), found at New York’s own broadly stocked convenience store Duane Reade (various locations, duanereade.com). The non-replaceable battery provides only 20 minutes of vibes, but face it: Tomorrow probably won’t be another day.