Cheek, in Review: 7 Days of Runnin’ Scared


“it’s new york lol same shit lastnight some car was on fire in Fordham crazyy ass shit look.” Twitpic by Itlabia.

Can you believe last week at this time we were still thinking about Balloon Boy? Yes, that’s how we passed our time before Steve Phillips, his “tubby temptress,” and other exciting personalities.

Thank God we’ll always have Hiram Monserrate. His few friends stepped up for him, with Ruben Diaz Sr. saying the slashin’ senator was just trying to be helpful. But the opposition grew, a special committee was called, and big Democrats started to pile on. So far, it’s not as funny and obscene as the Anthony Semeniero tapes, but wait a few weeks.

Mayor Bloomberg took Rudolph Giuliani around to tell people how Bill Thompson was going to surrener New York to the animals. (That’s why New Yorkers love Rudy and want him to stay out of office.) Tom Robbins kept calling out Bloomberg’s campaign, he Mayor got more endorsements from Democrats and local papers, and is 16 points up in a new poll. Behold the power of the press!

Meanwhile, upstate, rightwingers caught Hoffmania! Refreshed from their NFL boycott, they howled when Newt Gingrich endorsed doubleplus ungood GOP candidate Dede Scozzafava and yelled for Conservative Party candidate Bill Hoffman. Thus they swept Democratic candidate Bill Owens into the lead. The surge is working!

And in Jersey, another Democrat benefitted from a third-party candidate. Notice a pattern? Well, at least they can laugh about it.

President Obama went easy on the medical stoners, saved some teachers’ jobs, and had his picture taken. He also got a death threat, allegedly, but we understand he’s used to that.

A Studies in Crap for Lovers: You Would If You Loved Me. Light some candles and pitch for guilt sex!

A big hedge fund guy got arrested and a Deutsche Bank defrauder got prison, but who cares, Bernie Kerik went to jail for pissing off a judge, and the press ate it up. Then it was time to pay attention to Lil Wayne, now guilty of gun possession and looking at a year.

We had conversations with Alan Cumming and Project Runway‘s Christian Soriano.

The Empire State Building went tie-dye. Atheists took the subway (which got another masturbator and may get peak and off-peak pricing). The Bronx is getting a mall, but not a living wage. The Times slimmed down, payroll-wise. Construction was fucked.

Somebody Got Murdered: at 173rd Street in Queens, Lewis Avenue and Sutter Avenue in Brooklyn, and East 224th Street in The Bronx — this last victim being 92 years old.

Crazy Yankee Chick watched her beloveds win, win, oh shit, win, oh shit. Allen Barra boldly predicted a Yankee series victory last weekend and that’s looking pretty good now, isn’t it? The Giants and Jets will have to wait for our attention.

Oops: we pissed off the wrestlers. Do the hammerlock, you turkeynecks!

A cat got stuck in an engine compartment, Stuyvesant Town residents got back rent and damages (don’t cry too hard for the landlords!), citizens were scared they wouldn’t get the Swine Flu vaccine (or of the vaccine itself), food stamps soared,

R.I.P. Bianca Kuros, Soupy Sales, and this week.