My Duane Reade Card Got Me Points!


You know those annoying “club cards” you get at Duane Reade because if you spend $100 there and they tally it on the card, you get five whole bucks towards your next purchase?

Well, after what seemed like years of buying and trying, I finally made it! I reached $100 the other day, mainly thanks to the Snuggies they’re selling, which are perfect Christmas gifts for people too lazy to sleep under an actual blanket.

And I actually sensed a rush of achievement when they notified me that I had attained my goal! (As if I didn’t know! I’d been counting points like a madman.)

It gave my ego a boost and made me feel like I had actually done something, no matter how trivial and non-talent-dependent.

In fact, my head spun so feverishly from this consumeristic high that I could barely get my ass together to scour the store and see what I could possibly get for five fucking bucks. But I managed. I slapped myself in the face, came down from my high horse, and set about cashing my chips and hunting for gold.

And after hours of searching and perusing, I came up with…a bottle of drain unclogger and a can of sardines! And suddenly I didn’t feel so great.