A new film about death and sexual restraint comes out this month. You may have heard of it — Twilight? The second installment in the vampire series, New Moon, features a meaty werewolf constantly busting out of his clothes, and the ongoing unrequited lust — excuse us, love — of undead teen Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and “imprinted” human Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). Think Bill Compton seething, “She is mine!” if you prefer True Blood.
Stephanie Meyer’s saga has not only become popular among lonely teenage girls and bored, undersexed housewives, but has also spawned an endless realm of paraphernalia that goes far beyond Barbies and lunchboxes into a deep and disturbing underworld of homemade, obsession-based crafts. This next episode, which sets up a love triangle between the couple and newly transformed werewolf, Jacob, has also given birth to a global divide of fangirls — Team Jacob and Team Edward, the latter leading by a huge margin because, of course, he broods sexily — and their adoring public has created everything from hand-painted sneakers to customized socks, all in honor of their man-boy of choice. At this moment, there are 796 pages of Twilight items for sale on Etsy.com, the internet pinnacle of homemade crafts, as well as the unaffiliated spin-off/heckling site Regretsy.com, which are both excellent portals into Twi-hard creepiness.
We waded through this cesspool of iron-on decals and sticker kits to the darkest depths of angsty preteen obsession to dig out the most unsettling Twilight-themed items up for grabs. If Hot Topic can’t satiate your Edward Cullen needs, perhaps 10 of the 16,709 choices at large on Etsy will?
1. Team Edward Twilight Onesie
Looks like someone’s going to get beat up at daycare.
2. Jacob Black Doll with Furry Wolf Hat
A stuffed doll of angsty lycanthropic love interest, Jacob Black, with Sharpie abs and dressed in what appears to be a Where the Wild Things Are outfit. Best part: all clothes fully removable.
3. Twilight Socks
The level of craftsmanship alone warrants these a place on the top 10. And of course the variety. (“Optional Bella on left sock upon request” — but really, why not two Edwards?) This talented sockstress also makes commemorative Patrick Swayze and Michael Jackson accessories.
4. “Twilight Kicks Ass” Undies
Luckily, if you secretly purchase these because you love Twilight so much that even your undergarments must bear a picture of Greasy McGee, a/k/a the allegedly unshowering Robert Pattinson, you can rest assured that no one will ever see them. For similar effect, try the “I’m just a Bella waiting for my Edward” wall appliqué to post over your bed.
5. Esme’s Enchantment Bath Bomb
If your hobby is making a craft completely unrelated to the Twilight saga — such as, oh, I don’t know, bath bombs — you can still photograph the finished product on the cover of one of the books, name it after the heartthrob’s vampire “mother,” and sell your shit to teenage girls and lonely moms. Wives who purchase one of these might also want to consider purchasing the “I lost my wife to Twilight” tee for their hubbies.
6. I <3 Vampires Cup Cozy a/k/a Java Jacket.
Awesomest description ever: “Do you have plans to grab some coffee then head out for the new Twilight film, New Moon!? Why not go all out and show your love of vampires with this new java jacket!?” But wait, there’s more: “Keep your hand cool while you look hot!”
7. Twilight Mom Car Decal.
To match with your husband’s “Peeing Calvin” mudflap.
8. Sock Knitting Bag, Twilight-Inspired Embroidery Design
Wait, you’re telling me there’s a special bag just for knitting socks? And I have to buy a new one for every movie?
9. “Twilight Freak”/”Team Edward” Stickers.
To decorate your notebook, I mean car, I mean cubicle, I mean secret closet shrine. Team Freak, is right.
10. Custom-painted Twilight Rock
For your garden, next to your outdoor collectable quote plaque — which commemorates the disturbingly lame Twilight line, “you are exactly my brand of heroin” — next to your Edward and Bella gnomes.