The Def Jam co-founder will host a Celebration FOR the Turkeys (i.e., not AGAINST) on Sunday, November 22, accompanied by like-minded blowhards Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson. Jonathan Safran Foer, a/k/a the guy who ruined Thanksgiving for thousands of families this year with his new Eating Animals, will speak. The occasion is a benefit for Farm Sanctuary, who are circulating a petition to end the cruel American ritual in which the president “pardons” two turkeys, only to send them to Disney World and/or Land, where the vast majority of the birds end up dead within a year of arrival. (After all, what human could withstand this ordeal?) Anyway, Farm Sanctuary is looking to take the birds off Obama’s hands, and they’ve asked Simmons, who believes that humans eating animals is only a small symptom of a bigger moral degradation that’s left “our beloved country, America, is standing on its last wobbly legs,” for help. $150 will buy you a vegan breakfast and a lecture from the man himself.