For us, Thanksgiving was pre-ruined by the grisly medical press releases we received over the past week, portraying the holiday as a menace. (And they keep coming! The Saint Louis University Medical Center offers “Surviving the Holidays: 10 Tips for Staying Healthy.” Number 1: “Keep your distance — For many, the holidays are about being close to family and friends, but Stephens recommends not getting too close. Cold and flu germs are spread through water droplets from your mouth and nose.” Now at least you have a medical excuse when grandma tries to kiss you. Also: “Calories are not the only things lurking at the buffet table, germs are too.” Thanks for making it special, SLUMC!)
But we’re perhaps over-sensitive. To follow are the five things most likely to ruin your annual celebration of the white interlopers’ cruel betrayal of their Native American hosts. Beware:
5. Turducken. We originally thought this gruesome chicken-inside-a-duck-inside-a-turkey was an urban legend, but apparently it’s for real. “Turducken costs $75.95 each,” says a Publix assistant meat department manager in Alabama, “but they’re all seasoned and stuffed and ready to cook Cajun style.” And it’s recommended by Jeremiah Weed, “patron father of Jeremiah Weed Sweet Tea, Jeremiah Weed Bourbon Liqueur, and the recently introduced Jeremiah Weed Bourbon,” whose palate is probably ruined from long days at the plant. Also a fan: WWE Superstar Mark Henry. “I probably could eat a whole one by myself,” he declared. If they pitch this to you, turduck!
4. Fried turkey. Want your Thanksgiving turkey “deliciously moist and healthy,” and “in half of the cooking time”? Deep-fry it in peanut oil, advises the new TurkeyFrying.net, where we are told, “originating in the South, deep-frying turkey in 100% peanut oil has been a long-standing tradition,” like Moon Pies, muskrat, and scrambled hot dog, which we imagine among the trimmings. TurkeyFrying.net also informs us that peanut oil is “one of the healthiest oils,” so immersing a turkey in a boiling pot of it must be really good for you. The convincer: Deep-fried turkey is endorsed by Martha Stewart. Just be very careful when you cook it.
3. Vegan pushback. The PETA commercial in which a little girl catalogues the inhumanities of turkey slaughter has been banned, so there’s little chance it’ll come on while you’re tucking in, but here’s yet another downer: activists inform us even the traditional Presidential turkey pardon is a mixed blessing at best. This year’s lucky survivors, “Courage” and “Carolina,” will be flown to a Disney resort, as is also a tradition, but Farm Sanctuary tells us that “at least half of all turkeys sent to Disney have died within one year” — not because of overstimulation or rough treatment by Goofy impersonators, as we first suspected, but because “these animals are bred just like any other turkey meant for slaughter, so their heart and other organs cannot support the size their body has grown to,” says flavorvegan. Another Hussein Obama promise of “change” betrayed, people! Now enjoy your paper turkey and synthetic wishbones.
2. Increased nannying. The medical schools aren’t the only ones warning us not to have too much fun on Thanksgiving. “Salem police cracking down on drunk driving.” “Police announce drunk driving crackdown.” “Police Plan Seat Belt, DUI Blitz Over Thanksgiving Holiday.” It’s all part of the national “Over the Limit, Under Arrest” campaign. Fine way to honor the forefathers, who crossed the mighty Atlantic so that we might have all-night liquor stores and SUVs!
1. The start of Christmas ruining season. We just got this from AuthorHouse: “‘Dare to Believe in the Man in the Red Suit’: Delivering the True Message of Christmas.” This new children’s story threatens to “help parents and children remember the true reason for the season and remind them to focus on the seven gifts of Christmas.” Tabby Mae learns her parents can’t afford a proper Christmas, and prays for a solution. An angel “helps Tabby Mae to recall all of the wonderful Christmas memories stored in her heart.” Then Tabby Mae “sees the man in the red suit kneeling beside a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. She overhears Santa praying to the baby Jesus explaining that he delivers small presents to people each year as a reminder of the gifts Jesus gives us each year and the red suit represents Jesus’ love and life.”
It’s going to be a long December.